#but that’s in their own private clinics this isn’t the sam

[jackleopard]

I have an interview tomorrow and I’m so stressed

[ghostgothgeek]

Map of Amity Park

So I did a bunch of research and traced over the map the GIW had in DCMH and extended it to try and build a map of Amity Park. I also paid close attention to locations and places named in canon. I am by no means an artist, map maker, photoshop pro, or civil engineer; I just wanted a general reference map for the phandom to use. 

Here is where I place Amity Park. We know AP isn’t in Michigan or Wisconsin, but is most likely a day drive away from Madison (Bitter Reunions). AP is a decent sized city of itself, so I can see it being an outskirt of a large city like Chicago. Lancer mentions the Northwestern Testing, and Northwestern University is in Evanston, IL, which is why I placed it where it is.

LIST OF PLACES (in great detail): 

Every city needs it’s basic services: energy supply, water supply, sewage, and trash/recycling. These of course are located more on the edge of the city, as they need a large amount of space and are typically isolated.

I placed a local airport in the city as well. Typically you would fly out of one of Chicago’s airports anyway, but private planes (Vlad, Mansons, etc.) can take off and land here. 

University of Amity Park is located at the north side of the city, and is home to a Nasty Burger location, an LGBT Center, and is probably near a gas station. The blocks surrounding the campus are more student housing. 

Near the University, we have the Science Center, Axion Labs, a Mental Institute, and the Museum, as a lot of research from the University would go into those places. 

In the more isolated areas, we have the Penitentiary, the abandoned North Mercy Hospital, and the GIW Headquarters. 

The Zoo is located on the north side of the park and is also close to the University for research purposes.

The Observatory is also located in a more isolated area, so you can actually see the stars without a bunch of light pollution.

Going into the center of town, where most things are actually located:

A community college, which is near the internet cafe where Danny and Tucker play games, a gas station, a liquor store, a thrift shop, a Planned Parenthood, Java Jive (the coffee shop), a tech store, and a gym. 

We also have a shoe store, the hunting goods store and Guitar Palace that Skulker and Ember take over in Reign Storm, the U-Ship Box Store the Box Ghost takes over, a barber and a hardware store.

There is a hair salon, tanning salon, and nail salon, where Paulina frequents. There is also Elmer’s Pharmacy, a dentist office, a law office, the TV repair store, butcher shop, and pet store (which we see next to each other in an episode), a toy store, and a vet office.

Government buildings include City Hall, a public library, a court house, a DMV, a bus station (for all mass transit in the city), a community center (likely where town halls are located and other smaller events; Ida plays bingo here every week), and a retirement home. 

There is also the post office, Amity Park Fire Department, a bank, the 24K Jewelry shop, a nearby ice cream shop, and another Nasty Burger location (this is the one right by Casper High that the trio usually hangs at). Also an animal shelter, a grocery store, and a pizza joint.

Education: there is a preschool and daycare, the elementary school, a playground/park, the middle school (yes, a Beetlejuice reference), and Casper High. Casper High campus also has the track, a fieldhouse, and the football field. 

Moving towards Amity Park Mall:

Bucky’s Music Mega Store, an apartment complex, Amity Park Police Department, a bookstore, doctor clinic, gas station, a Denny’s (where Phight Club happens), Material Grill restaurant, the mini golf course and bowling alley, Freddy Fazbear’s (which is actually a horror video game, but here it’s a kids pizza place like Chuck E. Cheese), a furniture store, a party supply store, and the movie theater (which is Marmel’s Multiplex 22, Amity Park Multiplex, and Googolplex Cinemas...it seems that they go to the same movie theater throughout the series and the names just change, or these could also be other movie theaters in the area (like near the college campus). I just picked Multiplex 22 cause it sounded very mall-y).

Along the interstate, there’s a pawn shop, a publishing house (which somehow prints all 5 of Amity Park’s newspapers), a homeless shelter, the diner, Safe House Motel, a laundromat, the 89¢ Store (a nod to Fanning the Flames), and the car dealership.

Also near the mall is Amity Arena, which hosts concerts, sports events, and other large entertainment events. There is a hotel near both the arena and the hospital (the one that isn’t abandoned and haunted). Towards the outskirts of the hospital, there’s a trailer park; north a few blocks is the TV station, where News 4 is headquartered. There’s also a construction site near Amity Arena, but that kinda went out the window when Undergrowth hit. 

On the other side of town, we have:

A-Mart, a convenience store. I named it like this because it can be like an offshoot of KMart, but A for Amity! 

Floody Waters, right off the interstate.

North of Floody Waters, East of Casper High, we have the main residences: the Foley household and only a couple blocks away is Fenton Works. 

There’s also another gas station and the Amity Park Radio Station nearby. There’s also a private school near ultra posh Polter Heights, but the A-Listers attend Casper High because the private school doesn’t have a football or cheerleading team.

Moving into Polter Heights and the surrounding area:

The Polter Heights Golf Course and Country Club are exclusive to those in the neighborhood, as well as their private neighborhood pool; members only. 

The Mayor’s Mansion (eventually Vlad’s) is located in here too.

All of the A-Listers’ houses are of course in this neighborhood, as well as Val’s previous residence and the Fenton’s temporary mansion from Living Large (which is of course right next door to Vlad, but with some distance, because the rich are always socially distancing with their big houses).

Polter Heights is adjacent to a bunch of farmland (this is the midwest, we like cows and stuff), and there is a church close by as well.

Just outside Polter Heights is the Manson Mansion (with Sam’s greenhouse). Lucky for Sam, the Skulk and Lurk Books and an occult shop are just down the street. The Manson residence is also near a funeral home and graveyard (how did Sam get so lucky? Oh, because I love her), a synagogue, Mario’s restaurant, and a dry cleaners. 

We get more spacious as we get away from the center of town! 

Along the shore of Lake Eerie, there are the docks which are home to many warehouses, including the mattress factory.

Also along the shoreline, there is a pier which doubles as an amusement park (think kinda like Navy Pier in Chicago in comparison) and alongside the pier is the public beach area. 

Camp Skull and Crossbones is located on the other side of Lake Eerie, and the fishing area is more on the north side of the lake. Lake Eerie is not one of the Great Lakes, it’s just its own thing in Amity Park. 

Back towards the park, we have event grounds space, which is where Circus Gothica is located, as well as the Meet Swap and flea market. Basically whatever rotating event hits town, it comes right here. Just next door is a theatre (for music, opera, Broadway, etc.). There is also the third and final Nasty Burger location in AP.

This is all surrounding the actual park Amity Park, which has a pond, a big fountain, and also hosts that really big hill that overlooks City Hall.

On the south side, across the bridge and over the interstate is Elmerton, where Val currently is resided. 

All the other blocks are filled with more office buildings, apartment complexes, houses, and businesses, but all of the main places are already listed and placed. 

Finally, yes, I did name some places for myself and my friends because they’re great and they deserve it. These include Steph’s (mine) Occult Shoppe, Nick’s Liquor Emporium (@ecto-american), Lexx R Us Toystore (@lexosaurus and appropriately named after the Lexxpocalypse), Laz’s Law Offices LLC (@kinglazrus), Dee’s Dentistry (@qlinq-qhost​), Lily’s Looks Thrift Store (@dannyphantomisameme​), Ceci’s Funeral Home (@ceciliaspen​), Vic’s Amusement Park (@babypop-phantom​), and Reverie Books (@wastefulreverie​). 

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Who owns the covid vaccines?

A key idea from sf is “all laws are local, and no law knows how local it is.” Prisoners of our own time and place, it’s hard not to feel like we’re living in the only possible world, is if everything around us is inevitable and natural — and any change is “unnatural.”

But anyone who’s ever dabbled in multi-agent modeling (sims where “individuals” each have their own goals and aversions) knows there are lots of stable configurations that a big, complex system can fall into, and re-rerunning the same sim produces wildly different outcomes.

14 months ago, we hit STOP on our big, complex system and now the US is about to hit START again. It will not be a return to “normalcy,” because the old normal wasn’t inevitable. There are lots of other ways we could get along. And frankly, the old normal sucked.

A key way in which Old Normal sucked was the way that monopolists were able to style themselves as heroic entrepreneurs whose great rewards were commensurate with their great risks — when in reality, the risks were always socialized and only the gains were privatized.

That’s an area where a new normal is long overdue, and that new normal is being born in the controversy over public access to covid vaccines.

Helping the poor world manufacture its own vaccines is the obvious right thing to do.

Not just because vaccine apartheid is slow genocide, but also because the longer billions of people are infected, the greater the chance that one of them will incubate a vaccine-resistant, even more deadly mutation.

MRNA vaccines are wild: compared to conventional vaccines, they can be manufactured with 99.7% less capital and 99.9% less physical plant, and mRNA production facilities can retool to make new vaccines 1,000% faster.

https://coronavirus.medium.com/manufacturing-mrna-vaccines-is-surprisingly-straightforward-despite-what-bill-gates-thinks-222cffb686ee

Moderna’s own assessment is that new mRNA facilities can be built in 3–4 months. There’s no good scientific or humanitarian reason to object to patent- and know-how transfer to the Global South, where vaccination is currently projected for 2023/4 (!).

https://apnews.com/article/drug-companies-called-share-vaccine-info-22d92afbc3ea9ed519be007f8887bcf6

We’ve just experienced the collapse of the racist lie — peddled by Big Pharma, Bill Gates, Howard Dean and other vaccine apartheid apologists — that poor brown people are too primitive to make vaccines.

The new talking point? “CHINA! CHINA! CHINA!”

https://pluralistic.net/2021/05/15/how-to-rob-a-bank/#roll-the-dice

Whether it’s racist lies about the Global South or New Cold War hysteria, the underlying ideological story is the same: exclusive patent rights and the (spectacular) profits they yield are the foundation of lifesaving medical innovation.

That is, fate has placed among us a tiny cohort of collosi, endowed with the superpower of inventing the future. But for all their creative might, these saviors-in-potentia have the fragile temperaments of toddlers, and if they’re denied their due, they’ll abandon us to die.

“Behind every great fortune lies a great crime.” The true mRNA vaccines theft isn’t entrepreneur-inventors who face robbery by the public sector — rather, those “entrepreneurs” have enjoyed billions in public subsidies, and now insist they owe nothing in return.

So much public investment went into the covid vaccines that it’s hard to account for it all. The GAO thinks that Uncle Sam coughed up $18–23b in direct subsidies. BARDA pumped in $19.3b.

https://www.healthaffairs.org/do/10.1377/hblog20210512.191448/full/

The USG picked up the tab for non-clinical studies of new covid vaccines ($900m), and also shelled out for Phase III trials ($2.7b).

Moderna got $53m for production capacity, part of $100m in direct capacity contracts to pharma, backed with $2.7b for contract manufacturers.

J&J got a $1b pre-order from the USG; Moderna got $4.95b, Pfizer (which touts its lack of public subsidy!) got a $5.97b guaranteed order.

That’s just the latest round of investment. BARDA has been backing mRNA vaccine research for years, pumping billions into the project.

Pharma’s claim that it doesn’t owe us anything in return makes no sense, even by the companies’ own logic. They say that markets produce wonders because they reward canny risk-taking with vast fortunes.

By that logic, the public — who assumed the majority of the risk in developing vaccines — are the angel investors in this high-tech unicorn, and the pharma companies are the VCs who came in with some late capital to help scale up a sure thing.

It’s neither good business — nor legal — for early minority investors get squeezed out by latecomers.

But, of course, the government isn’t a business. Our democratic institutions direct our national productive capacity to R&D in service to human thriving, not profit.

Public investment in R&D isn’t a business in the same way that having kids isn’t a retirement plan: we have kids because we love them and want them to thrive. If they care for us in our dotage, that’s great, but if you treat your kid as an ambulatory 401k, you’re a monster.

I first encountered these ideas when serving as an NGO rep at WIPO alongside Jamie Love and Knowledge Ecology International. Love helped create the Access to Medicines Treaty and has been fighting the pharma industry’s self-serving story of fragile genius for decades.

In an interview with Janine Jackson at FAIR, Love lays out the plain case for an IP-waiver to enable poor countries to make their own vaccines, like the undeniable truth that this would “definitely expand the production and supply of vaccines.”

https://fair.org/home/government-money-thats-gone-into-vaccine-development-is-being-privatized-by-a-handful-of-companies/

Love also recounts the kind of public subsidy that went into covid vaccine production (for example, Pfizer’s boasts of free enterprise entrepreneurship omits the €400m from Germany and €100m from the rest of the EU).

Pharma’s claims of philanthropic largesse are wildly overblown. Pfizer told its shareholders it expects $26b from covid vaccines in 2021; Moderna’s projecting $20b (Moderna’s CEO’s personal net worth just hit $5b).

All that before pharma companies jack up the prices for “their” vaccines, in the years to come when we all need annual boosters, when the price will go from $10 to $175/dose, for a vaccine that costs $0.10/dose to manufacture.

The case for public access to vaccines and the case against pharma as a necessary or even laudable force for good is so thin, it’s remarkable that it’s persisted this long.

But as Love points out, the ideology that knowledge-monopolies are moral has some powerful backers.

Bill Gates is a prime example. Gates has been committed to enclosing commonly created knowledge and turning it into a monopoly — in service to coaxing our toddler-genius-collosi into action — since he was a teenager, writing petulant letters to computer hobbyists.

Today, Gates — a convicted monopolist — directs one of the world’s great fortunes (“behind every great fortune…”), and he mobilizes his capital to prop up the story of necessary and benevolent profiteering.

The Gates Foundation, for example, donates millions to “independent” media outlets (as well as partnering with public media like the BBC), and as Love describes, this has a chilling effect on negative reporting on Gates, the Foundation, and its ideology.

Like the time Love got a Washington Monthly reporter interested in a critical story about how the Gates Foundation’s grants influence its media coverage — only to have the reporter’s editor kill the story because they’d just applied for one of those grants (!).

Gates is a true ideologue, a relentless campaigner against any public access to public goods, in every domain, not just software. He’s been at it a long time, leading the charge against Nelson Mandela’s demand that South Africa be allowed to manufacture its own AIDS drugs.

Love: “Gates is a smart guy; he’s not the only smart guy around or smart woman around. I think people need to listen to other views. And, actually, Gates has sort of a mental block about these issues, and so some of his arguments just don’t add up.”

But all laws are local, and multi-agent systems have many stable configurations. On Friday, the New York Times editorial board — long a voice for strong corporate power — published an editorial and accompanying package strongly endorsing vaccine waivers.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/opinion/biden-covid-vaccines-world-india.html

The Times notes that the global economy is losing trillions due to lockdown, and that these loses will mount for so long as vaccines aren’t universally available.

But it also makes an ethical case, calling vaccine apartheid a “moral failure.”

It warns of political instability and the potential for states to topple if something isn’t done, pointing to the pitched battles in Colombia (in which death squads are now murdering leftists with impunity and posting snuff videos to social media as a boast — and a warning).

Beyond advocating for vaccine waivers, the Times backs Public Citizen’s plan to spend $25b ramping up domestic, publicly owned vaccine production facilities to make vaccines to be given away free or at cost to poor countries.

https://www.citizen.org/article/25-billion-to-vaccinate-the-world/

That effort will produce 8b vaccine doses, “enough to vaccinate half the planet.” And it will provide booster shots and new anti-variant vaccines into the future.

The future is coming. Lockdowns are lifting. The rich world is inching toward an emergence from emergency. But normalcy isn’t returning — thank goodness. The whole world deserves (and requires) so much better than normal.

Image: Quapan (modified) https://www.flickr.com/photos/hinkelstone/49920420853

CC BY https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

[the-omni-princess]

Frozen Heart [Chapter 10]

Author: @the-omni-princess

Summary:  After the war against Hydra, King Bucky comes home to take what has been promised to him since he was young, you. But he is not the same person as the young boy that you grew up with. Can she break through his tough shell and bring back the young man she once fell in love with? Or will she be forced to marry the monster everyone thinks he’s become?

Word Count: 3.8K

Pairing: King!Bucky x Fem!Reader (Royalty Au!)

Warnings: A sex mention, Minor illnesses, Surprises!, Language, Violence, Blood

A/N:

Time for it to get funnnn

-

[Series Masterlist]  [Masterlist]

----

As October ended and November began, change frequently occurred in the palace. The furs in your as well as Bucky's chamber got thicker, the candles and firewood got thicker, the trees all looked barren, the only living looking plants were in your new greenhouse. Finished just in time for winter, you walked along the pathway, picking out a new spot for the peonies in your hand, Aurora walking beside you. Your own wolf was still too young to wander the castle with you, but her training was coming along wonderfully. Ever since you and Bucky became one, he had become a bit more protective, if that was even possible. Now, he was in a meeting without you, one of the few nowadays you didn't participate in.

You sat on the ground in the greenhouse, tugging your long sleeves up to plant the flowers. Aurora curled up beside you, the wolf pup had become just as possessive as Bucky, always curled up to one of you, and recently had joined you two curled up in bed at times.

"I thought I might find you here," a familiar voice rang out, you didn't glance back, already well knowing who it was. Aurora whined softly, jumping up to say hello to him.

"It's either here or the library, or one of our beds," you shot back, "not many options with the cold setting in."

Bucky came up behind you, wrapping his arms around you. You happily laid back into his chest, smiling as he spoke. "And here I thought you enjoyed meetings with me," he pressed a kiss to your hair, burying himself into you.

"I do, but I hate meetings involving the diplomats from Hydra's Kingdom. Even defeated they are slimy, uncaring about their starving people." You closed your eyes, leaning your head against his shoulder. "And I can never forgive those monsters for hurting you," you murmured softly.

"I don't enjoy those meetings either, My Love, but sadly they are necessary. Gladly, they are leaving early as the snows are rolling in. We believe a snow storm is coming tonight." Aurora curled up beside the two of you, and you ran a hand through her fur. "Your first snow," he added, excitement in his voice.

"My first snow," you closed your eyes in content. "Gods, I'm going to be freezing!"

He chuckled behind you, tightening his hold on you. "I'll keep you warm," he spoke against your neck, goosebumps raising as his breath fanned across your skin, much to his amusement.

"You did promise to keep me warm when I first moved here, I do suppose you've done a good job so far," you teased with a playful grin.

"I'd promise the world for you if you wanted it, My Queen," he kissed your ear, all his kisses chaste and playful. "Speaking of, My Queen, your coronation has to follow Northern traditions, but is there any part of Southern Coronation Traditions you wish to have?" You shrugged faintly against him.

You and your Ladies in Waiting were in charge of planning the wedding, a perfect union between North and South, both rituals relatively similar. Both used handfasting, but the elements in each differed slightly. Silver in the North, Gold in the South. Diamond rings in the North, Pearl rings in the South. These differences also followed in coronations, only they shifted to crowns and robes.

"I don't mind a fully Northern Coronation, My Love. I'll be Queen of the North, not Queen of the South. It may be where I'm from, and it'll always be a part of me, but it isn't where I'll be for the rest of my life." You reminded lightly. You turned slightly, burying your face in his neck. "The wedding, however, is completely half and half," you smiled against his skin, pleased with yourself as he shuddered. "Nat's idea of course. Two becoming one. Two people, two kingdoms, one soul." you pulled away enough to see the smile on his face, his eyes crinkled, sending warmth through your body.

"That sounds wonderful," he gave you a cheeky grin before adding, "My Queen."

You giggled, smiling up at him. "Soon I will be," you kissed his nose, watching his face scrunch up.

"A month and a half, that's all I have to wait for, and you'll be mine forever!" He sounded giddy, tugging you close as you two laughed.

"We've waited since we were children, a month shall go by fast, the past few have." You ran a hand through his hair, watching as he melted against your touch.

"They go by faster with you here. Our whole lives, then forever." He murmured, eyes closing as he relaxed.

"Forever is an awfully long time, Bucket. You sure you're up for the commitment?"

He gave you a goofy smile in response. "Forever is never enough when I'm with you."

You scoffed, "Stop being all romantic, it's making me feel things!" You gently nudged him, unable to hide the smile on your face.

"Good!" He beamed, showering you in kisses as he tightened his grip on you.

-

As the day passed, the two of you walked towards Bucky's Chambers hand in hand, Aurora at your heels. You sneaked a glance behind you, noticing neither of the personal guards were men you knew, and you knew almost all of them. Something felt wrong, a light in the castle seemed to dim. Bucky noticed your turned mood, and your subtle glances taking in the new guards as the wind started to howl outside. Deciding to speak about it later, in private, he didn’t ask.

The two of you sat outside on your star gazing balcony. The storm was starting, snow slowly falling to the ground. You were tightly wrapped in furs and blankets, toasty warm as your nose started to get cold. You ignored it, grinning as you caught the ice on your tongue excitedly.

"It's so pretty!" You grinned at Bucky, pointing at the snow on the mountains which was growing.

He smiled warmly at you, letting you enjoy the cold and different season. He eventually tugged you inside before you could freeze over, "alright, Princess. No more cold for you, you'll get frostbite." He fused over you, pulling more furs and warm clothes on you until you were covered in layers, sitting on his bed.

"Something is going on," you said suddenly pulling blankets off of you, surprising Bucky as he got into bed beside you, Aurora jumping into the bed, laying her head on his stomach.

"What do you mean, My Love?" He gave you a confused look, his eyebrows scrunched up adorably.

"New guards here, and Steve said he also has new guards he's never seen before, and the Hydra diplomats suddenly are very friendly, and the scouts on the edge of the kingdom spotting movement. They are planning something." You concluded.

He sighed softly with a nod, "I've noticed most of that as well. Until they make a move we can't do anything. Their officials may be terrible people, but a war would affect their people, a people starved and already war raged, they’re still recovering."

You leaned your head against his shoulder. "Has anyone told you how amazing you are?" You asked softly.

Despite these people being the ones that hurt him, he didn't want to rage war on its people. "Maybe someone has," he teased, smiling against your hair, taking in the smell of your lavender shampoo.

"Hope it's not any other girl," you joked back, nuzzling into him.

He chuckled, "Even if it was, you're the only one for me," he spoke seriously, tugging you closer.

You let your eyes close, happy to bask in his warmth as well as his and Aurora's attention.

-

The next morning you awoke with an upset stomach. Knots twisting and stabbing into your guts like a knife stabbing into you. You rolled out of the bed, pulling yourself out of warm arms, rushing towards the bathroom. "Doll?" A sleepy Bucky managed to say as you ran off. Two confused yips sounded behind you as you retched in the toilet. Aurora happened to stride over first, whining as she walked over, lying beside you and burying her muzzle supportively in your side. Bucky showed up a split second later, kneeling beside you as he held your hair out of your face, rubbing your back.

Once your stomach managed to empty itself, you sat back on your heels, leaning against Bucky. "Gods, I must have a stomach bug or something," you mumbled, lazily burying yourself in his arms. "I feel gross though, but tired."

"It's still early, we can go to the healers in a little while. You're still sleepy, aren't you?" He kissed your head as you nodded, standing and picking you up in his arms. You hummed in acknowledgement, letting your eyes close as he tucked you back into the warm bed. He pulled a blanket over you, Aurora jumping into bed after you, Bucky holding you close as you fell asleep again in his arms.

-

An hour later you woke to Bucky nudging you gently. "My Love, wake up, we should go to the doctors," he was concerned, you weren't one to get sick easy and you looked pale and flush. You groaned, eventually awake enough to get dressed and following Bucky to the royal clinic.

You sat there, Bucky fussing over you as Dr. Bruce Banner and Dr. Helen Cho circled you. Wanda eventually joined the party, much to Natasha's amusement. All three fused over you. Bruce and Helen had both known you since your arrival months ago and had taken a liking to you, the prior being a former soldier, and Wanda had known you most of your life. Soon all three, plus Bucky fussing, plus Sam and Natasha at the door, it all overwhelmed you.

"Please, can all of you calm down for just a minute!" You snapped, all eyes turning towards you as they froze in place. "It’s probably just stress, as I've taken more responsibilities and planning the wedding and worrying about the coronation and the changing seasons, I'm sure I'm fine!" You sighed softly, burying your face in your hands. "Please, I feel smothered by you all." You mumbled. Bucky frowned, chancing placing his hand on your shoulder. You melted against his touch, sudden hot tears ran down your cheeks. "Why can't I control any of these emotions?" You whispered absentmindedly.

Unbeknownst to you, Natasha and Wanda shared a look. They both knew everything about you and Bucky's relationship, including that you two had sex about three weeks ago. Natasha shooed the gathering maids from the door, shutting it and sitting beside you, taking your hand. Wanda whispered something to Dr. Cho, who quickly ran some tests on the blood and urine they collected from you.

You sniffled, looking up towards Nat as her weight dipped the bed you were in. "Wanda and I think we know what's wrong," Nat said slowly a few minutes later, looking towards Helen who had walked in with a new paper. Helen nodded, Bruce going pale as he read the results paper. You sat up a bit, hands laced with Bucky's who looked just as confused.

"The mood swings, the morning sickness, the fact that you haven't had your period yet," that made you go pale. You completely forgot you were two weeks late, too caught up in Royal duties. All the symptoms, the sudden giddiness Natasha and Wanda had.

"Am I...?" You whispered, the true nature of it setting in.

Helen spoke up, "According to Urine and blood tests, yes. We'll let you two have a moment," Nat nodded quickly, dragging Bruce and Sam out the door, Helen and Wanda following as they closed the door.

You and Bucky sat in silence for a moment, letting the fact settle in both of your minds. "You're pregnant," he managed to say in a soft voice, though you didn't hear any malice like you might have feared, only awe and a hint of confusion.

"I'm pregnant." You repeated. Deciding to look up at him, you could see the goofy smile starting to lift his features. "I'm going to be a mother... You're going to be a father..." The shock was still there, but both of you started smiling at each other.

"I'm going to be a father," he repeated. He launched forward, showering your face in kisses, sending you into a fit of giggles. "You're going to carry out child, our baby, you're going to be a mother, I'm going to be a father, oh gods can I handle being a father?" He rambled, getting serious.

You gently cupped his face in your hands, kissing him tenderly, stopping his rambles. You pressed your forehead against his, grinning as your lips ghosted across each other. "You'll be a wonderful father. Caring, protective, strong, loving. We'll learn how to be parents together," you kissed him again and again, holding each other close, deciding that the future mattered, but for right now you two would stay in the moment, together.

-

As the week went on, you and Bucky kept the big news to a small few. Clearly Sam, Natasha, Wanda, and a few people in the clinic knew. The maids figured it out when you didn't get your period, already having started their own rumors. The first person you and Bucky told together was Steve, via video chat. He looked ready to slap Bucky for getting you pregnant, cry that he was going to be an Uncle, and proud that his best friend and little sister were living their happily ever after. Your parents knew as well, and your mother was already flooding you with advice that wouldn’t come in handy for months. Other than that, the rest of the whispers and rumors in court were hushed and behind your backs.

You continued to work, though as the week ended, Bucky had started to sleep over in your Chambers. Something in his chamber smelled off, setting your new maternity sense to ring alarms. You couldn't sleep in his bed, a fact you absolutely hated.

Saying goodnight to yet another new guard you didn't recognize, you closed the chamber doors, Aurora jumping into your bed and curling up. You sat beside her after changing into pajamas, ready to bury yourself into the thick furs Bucky added to your bed while another snow storm roared outside. Aurora whined softly beside you, ears perked up and looking around the room in distress.

"What is it Aura?" You whispered, standing and now on defense. Bucky had a late meeting that night and wouldn't join you for at least an hour or two. You had nothing to defend yourself, glancing around the room you noticed nothing sharp you could use to help you with whatever set off Aurora. That was odd, you had a knife letter opener that was absent from your desk. Something that also suddenly occurred to you was that neither Sam, Natasha, Wanda, or Scott was on duty tonight. That never happened in the months since you've moved to the North. A fact that occurred to you too late. You were defenseless, alone, and surrounded by potential enemies.

Aurora growled beside you, haunches raised and glancing in multiple directions. Fuck, multiple hostiles. The wolf pup stood in front of you protectively, as you thought back to something Natasha used to teach you. Pretend you're smaller and more defenseless than you really are.

As two men appeared from opposite shadows in your room, you appeared to look meek, small. They came closer, still just out of reach of you, or Aurora without leaving the protective circle you and the wolf made. "Look at that, the little princess is all alone." One man cooed. His accent sent a shiver down your spine, you recognized him as a Hydra diplomat from the court.

That's when you got a good look at the other man, and you felt your heart drop. General Brock Rumlow, one of the very men Bucky fought against was standing in your bedroom. "Hello Princess, terribly sorry for the late notice, but you're coming with us. I know all about your fight against the assassin we sent to kill your brother, so don't try anything."

You dropped the meek act and snarled at the man, matching growls with the wolf in front of you. "Now why would I just go with you?"

He laughed, a sick feeling filling you. "Because right now, your little fiancé is next to one of my men. One mistake and my men will slit his throat," you felt your face pale. They could threaten you, but they were threatening Bucky. You felt the strong face you had on crack.

"Don't you dare fucking touch him," you growled, Aurora responding with a bark towards the man. You hoped it was loud enough to alert someone to help you, yet the man in front of you laughed.

"That won't help doggie, all the men outside are mine. You know how easy it was to become your personal guard? Manipulate time schedules, find lab results." Your hands were shaking now, and you felt the bile rise in your throat. "So, Princess, follow me, and call the dog off." You glanced down at Aurora, who was tense, but you then remembered she knew all the secret passageways of the castle and was trained to find yours and Bucky's scent. You whistled lowly, Aurora whining. You repeated it, and Aurora slinked away, rushing towards Bucky. That would set him off, Aurora was known to always curl up into you when you slept and would only part ways when Bucky called her. He should be able to notice something's wrong. You hoped and prayed to every god you knew that he did.

You followed Rumlow, the vile man getting too close for comfort as you walked in the halls. He had a sense of arrogance about him, and most hallways were empty, no one able to see you as Brock pushed a dagger into back to dig at your spine, leading you towards the back entrance.

He pushed open the door, the cold rushed in, making you cold to the bone before you even stepped out. He grabbed you by the arm, his grip burned into your skin. He ran his fingers down your throat, and you growled lowly, close to punching the man. The thought of Bucky getting hurt because of the action made you still. No matter how much he hurt you, you wouldn't let him hurt Bucky. His fingers grazed the golden chain of your necklace, and hooked underneath them, "Now this is cute. You practically have a dog collar on, like the bitch you are," he singsonged into your ear. He ripped the necklace off, and you gasped as the clasp snapped against your skin, breaking. He tossed it to the ground, before shoving you forward into the snow. "Let's go, Princess. It's a decent walk till we get back to your new home." You shivered, now on your hands and knees in the snow, your pajamas not helping you at all. You stood on shaky legs, holding your head up high as you bit your tongue, refusing to give this abhorrent man anything to use against you.

You heard barking in the distance, Aurora finding you, and Bucky right behind. He had blood dripping down his cheek, but on second look, it didn't seem to be his own. Sam and Natasha were beside him, Sam had bruises blooming all over his face, and what looked like a broken nose. Brock pulled you in front of him, the dagger held against your throat. You stilled, weighing your options. Bucky looked feral, the same icy look from months ago when he first walked into your life again was back. The warmth seeped out of him, you were in danger, as was the baby, hisbaby.

"Let her go, Rumlow," he snarled, Aurora at his feet, ready to pounce.

"No can do, she's ours now, Your Majesty," he spit back out. He pressed the dagger closer into your neck, making a small trickle of blood appear. You whined softly, Bucky's eyes shooting to you, pained. As Brock pulled you back onto the terrace, you could see more Hydra gaurds hiding behind the doors. It was a trap all along to take more than one royal. Not on your watch they wouldn't.

Your eyes locked into Bucky, knowing he could see you. You mouthed, 'I love you,' before pushing your elbow back. You knocked Brock back, he grunted, not expecting you to fight back. You shot forward, grabbing onto the doors and locking them, knowing the mechanism would need a reboot to open during the emergency alert Bucky had placed on the castle. This was both your saving grace, and your living nightmare. You were trapped, burying yourself in snow, surrounded by Hydra agents, a steel and glass door between you and your family. But that also meant it was that door between Hydra and Bucky, something you could live with. A realization hit you suddenly. You would, without a doubt, die to protect this man. No matter the cost.

To say Rumlow was pissed off at you was an understatement. You saw his reflection in the glass, noticing the mirrored moves between him and Bucky. They both rushed forward towards you, Bucky having a glass barrier between you. Rumlow grabbed onto you, hitting you in the side of the head with the blunt edge of the knife. "You'll regret that, Princess." He snarled into your ear. The last thing you saw as black dots blurred your vision was Bucky falling to his knees on the other side of the glass, as they took you away from him. His own personal Nightmare.

-

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@marvelgirl7 / @minetticatinwonderland  

Bucky Tags:

@cassandras-musings  / @darkness-doughter / @novaddictx / @thedancingnerdmermaid

For a tag, just reply/comment, if I don’t see it, just message me. Tell me what you think! Literally any comment makes me happy! Like, comment, reblog, interact <3

[askjennie]

FAQ: I’m struggling with my mental health, how do I get help?

Do I even need help?

In general, it’s a good idea to seek help if something you’re thinking or feeling is having a significant negative impact on your life. For example:

Your thoughts or feelings are constantly bothering and distressing you.

Your thoughts or feelings are getting in the way of your ability to work or study, or making going to your workplace or school very difficult for you. Maybe you can’t get to work or school on time (or at all), or maybe you find it difficult to concentrate while you’re there, or maybe being there triggers some upsetting symptoms for you.

Your thoughts or feelings are affecting your relationships with your friends, family or partner. Maybe you’re pushing them away or feeling unable to spend time with them like you used to, or maybe you’re becoming rude or hostile towards them, or maybe you’re becoming excessively clingy or dependent on them to the point that it’s upsetting them.

Your thoughts or feelings are getting in the way of your hobbies/leisure activities. Maybe you want to do something but don’t feel able to, or maybe you’ve lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy.

Your thoughts or feelings are making you want to harm yourself or someone else.

You’re having flashbacks, hallucinations, or experiencing physical symptoms that are scary or distressing to you or others around you.

You feel unhappy most of the time.

These are all reasons why someone might want to seek psychological help. They don’t all need to apply, and you don’t need to be at your absolute worst to ask for help. “This is bothering me, I think it might help to talk to someone about it” is a good enough reason to talk to someone about it.

Who should I tell?

If you feel able to, talking to a family member, friend or partner about how you’ve been feeling can be a really helpful start. You don’t have to keep what’s going on to yourself, and if you can open up to someone you trust, they can support you through the process of seeking professional help, which can make things easier for you. However, if you don’t want to or don’t feel able to talk to someone in your personal life, you can start with speaking to your doctor, or contacting mental health services or private therapists in your area. If you’re currently in education, you could contact your school’s counseling service.

If you’re a minor, and you’re not able to access mental health services on your own, it’s especially important that you reach out to a trusted adult in your life. Who you feel comfortable talking to will vary from person to person - it could be a parent, other family member, friend’s parent, family friend, teacher or school counselor. If you’re finding it difficult to start the conversation, there’s nothing wrong with writing a letter, or text, to let the person know what’s been going on and what you need to talk about.

If you feel like there’s no one in your life you can reach out to right now, you may find it useful to contact a helpline (see list later on in this post).

What kind of help can I get?

Talk therapies. These generally involve working one-on-one with a therapist and learning to manage your symptoms with various mental and behavioral techniques. Click here or here to learn more about talk therapy. 

Medication. Your doctor or psychiatrist might recommend antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medication, or anti-psychotic medication, depending on what you’re experiencing. Click here or here to learn more about medication. 

Psychosocial treatments. This might involve support workers or case managers, peer support groups, or community programs that help you live with your mental illness. Click here or here to learn more about psychosocial treatments and peer support. 

Hospital/residential treatment. If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis and are unable to keep yourself safe, it may be necessary or recommended that you go into hospital temporarily. This can be a scary experience at first, but it gives you the opportunity to focus 100% on improving your mental health, with support from trained staff. Click here or here to learn more about hospital treatment. 

Other treatments could include art therapies, mindfulness, or family therapy. 

There are options, and they won’t suit everybody, so it’s important to be open with your healthcare providers about what is working for you, and what isn’t. If you try one thing and it doesn’t work, don’t give up - try something else. 

What if I don’t have the money/freedom to do that?

If money is the issue, it might be worth Googling ‘low-cost therapy’ ‘low-cost counseling’ or ‘counseling for low income’ and seeing what comes up. Many therapists will offer their services on a sliding scale basis, so someone with a low income will pay less. Some charities may offer mental health support for free or less money than a private therapist. Some universities may offer counseling from students training to be therapists for free or a low price. Depending on where you live, these things might not be available, and depending on what your income is, they still might not be doable for you right now, but it’s worth looking.

If you don’t have the money or freedom to get mental health support outside of your home right now, there is still support available online, and self-help options you can try for free without anyone in your life knowing. Here is a list of resources you can look up: 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy workbooks

Centre for Clinical Interventions - Free self-help therapy workbooks and worksheets for depression, anxiety, disordered eating, bipolar disorder, low self-esteem and more.

Moodjuice - Free worksheets for depression, anxiety, anger, stress and more.

Apps

Sanvello - Self-help app for anxiety, depression and stress. Track your mood and habits, learn mindfulness, learn to reframe your thoughts. Has free and paid options.

SAM - This has information on anxiety, an anxiety tracker, and you can create your own toolkit of calming exercises.

Stop, Breathe and Think - Easy guided meditation, recommends different meditations based on your current mood.

Booster Buddy - Cute app where an animal friend encourages you to complete self-care tasks. Can also help you keep track of medications and appointments.

Calm Harm - For self harm. Provides different tasks as alternatives for when you feel the urge to self harm.

USA helplines

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - free confidential support for anyone struggling. Phone and webchat options. Crisis Textline -Text-based helpline for if you’re having a crisis or just need to talk.

IMAlive - webchat suicide helpline for those in crisis.

The Trevor Project - Crisis and suicide helpline for LGBTQ young people. Phone, text and webchat options.

NEDA - Eating disorders helpline with phone and webchat options.

YouthLine - teen-to-teen support helpline for ages 11-21. Phone, text, webchat and email options.

TeenLine - another teen-to-teen peer support helpline. Phone, text, or email options.

UK helplines

Samaritans - free confidential support for anyone struggling. Phone or email options.

Mind infoline - For information on mental illness and where to seek help. Phone or text options.

Childline - Help for under 18s, for any reason. Phone, email or webchat options.

B-eat - Eating disorder helpline - separate options for adults, students and youth. Phone and webchat options.

Self Injury Support - Helpline for women and girls who self harm. Phone, text and webchat options.

Anywhere with internet helplines

7 Cups - chat to trained active listeners online (for free), or professional therapists (for a fee).

Where can I get more information about mental health?

National Alliance on Mental Illness - Information on types of mental illness, advice on living with a mental health condition and on how to find support (in the USA).

Mental Health America - Information on types of mental illness, how to find treatment (in the USA) and how to promote good mental health.

Mind - Information on types of mental illness, self care advice and guides to the mental health treatment system (in the UK).

Helpguide - Guides and tips for coping with various mental health issues.

NHS - Tips and advice on mental health self care and treatments.

Time to Change - Information on mental health stigma and discrimination.

[nicole-lynne]

Worlds Colliding - Chapter Eight

Sorry it’s a little late but I hope you all enjoy the next chapter! 

Relationships: Stiles x OC, Dean x OC, Sam, Scott, Deaton

Warnings: Slight Smut? 

Description: Stiles is struggling with telling Natalie the truth and Dean shows up unexpectedly. 

Catch up here:  Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven 

“Who the hell are you? And how the hell would you know what Natalie does or doesn’t know.” Stiles asked, eyeing the man before him.

Dean leaned his shoulder against the jeep, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. He had the bad boy, don’t give a damn, aesthetic down to a T. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and watched Stiles and Scott. He had been running on only a few hours of sleep, his body was feeling worn down, and he just wanted to get back to the motel to take a shower.

“Look, it doesn’t really matter who I am, kid.”  Stiles scowled and crossed his arms in opposition. Who the hell did this guy think he was?

Dean sighed and closed his eyes for a minute, begging for serenity to come to him. He couldn’t believe that he was actually talking to these idiots. “My name is Dean, okay? Dean Winchester.”

Stiles’ eyebrows shot up in surprise at the statement. His mind was rushing to make the connection. “Dean Winchester? As in ‘DW’? Like the tattoo on Nat’s wrist?” Stiles could feel irritation bubbling up in his chest. The irritation of knowing that his girl had a tattoo of another guy’s initials.

Dean smirked slightly at the statement and pulled the sleeve of his jacket up, revealing a small ‘NC’ on his wrist. “You mean the one that matches this? Yeah that’s me.”

A low growl came out of Stiles’ throat and Scott put his hand on his shoulder, trying to steady him from doing anything he’d regret. Dean chuckled at the show before him.

“Calm down, lover boy. I haven’t seen Nat in about five years. I’m sure she only has eyes for you now.” He spat out with disdain. Inside, it was killing him to know that Natalie was falling for someone else, but no one else needed to know that. He yanked the sleeve of his leather jacket back down and walked closer to the two guys. Scott and Stiles took a step backwards, warily.

“Back to why I’m here. I’m telling you, just stop trying to dig for answers because it’ll just make things worse for everyone.”

“Why in the hell would we listen to you? It sounds like you’re the one hiding shit from her. Maybe she has a right to know.” Scott tugged Stiles’ sleeve and looked at him with wide eyes, like he was crazy.

“What she doesn’t know is all for her own good, and honestly, her life would be a lot better without you and your little dog dragging her into more unnecessary drama.” Dean pointedly looked at Scott and Scott’s mouth gaped open.

All of a sudden, Deaton’s voice rang out from the door. “I think we should move this inside, everyone. It sounds like we have plenty to discuss in private” The three turned to look at the man in surprise, forgetting for a moment where they were.

“There’s nothing else to discuss. All I’m saying is, don’t push this thing with Nat. She isn’t aware of anything and she’s not going to be aware of it if I have anything to say about it. As long as you leave this alone. And don’t make me get involved, because it won’t be good.” With that, Dean wheeled around and walked back to the Impala. His boots clomped angrily against the concrete. He was kicking himself for even approaching the kids in the first place, but they were digging into things that were better left buried.

Stiles, Scott, and Deaton watched his back as he stalked away in utter disbelief. Deaton ushered the boys back into the clinic and locked the door, watching out the window for a moment.

“So what do you make of all this, Deaton?” Scott asked finally.

“Well obviously he knew that Natalie is supernatural of some kind. And he knew that you were a werewolf. I just wish he would have stayed to say more. Or explained what would happen if we didn’t listen to him.” Deaton’s face darkened with concern.

Scott was deep in thought. “He clearly wasn’t too keen on letting any of us in the loop. But I can tell you, I didn’t like the scent I was getting off of him.”

“What did it smell like, Scott?” Deaton furrowed his brow.

“He reeked of jealousy. He was jealous... and angry.” Scott said and Stiles laid his head against the table. He was so frustrated with everything that had happened tonight and he was wishing now that he’d just stayed with Natalie. He wished he was snuggled against her warm skin instead of in this cold room, dealing with her lunatic ex boyfriend.

Finally he said, “What am I supposed to do, you guys? I can’t just lie to Nat. I have to tell her that I met him.” Stiles groaned at the thought of it.

“Yes you can. Until we know a little bit more, it’s better to not rock the boat.”

Deaton looked unsure, “Scott, I believe it is actually the perfect time to speak with her. My suspicions were confirmed but we may need more answers, directly from the source.”

Scott couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “Did you not hear him basically threaten us? He knows what I am and I can tell you, he wasn’t scared of me at all. He looked like a harder version of Chris Argent. I’m not trying to die before I’ve had a chance to finish college.”

“You and Stiles will speak with her tomorrow. She may know more than any of us realize, Dean included.” With that, Deaton walked the boys to the front and let them out the door. Stiles and Scott dragged themselves towards the jeep, their bodies heavy with exhaustion.

“Well I guess you heard the man. I’ll meet up with you tomorrow and we can go talk to her.” Scott looked uncomfortable.

Stiles let a sarcastic smile onto his face, “At least I’ll finally be able to come clean about all of this. I just hope she doesn’t kick my ass when she finds out.” Scott clapped his back and chuckled at the thought of Natalie’s tiny fists beating Stiles up.

“You’ll live, she likes you way too much to dump your ass. I’ll see you tomorrow, Stilinski.” Stiles hoped that was the case. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he lost her because of something supernatural. He watched Scott fly away on his motorcycle and started mentally preparing himself for the talk.

---

“So would you be alright if Scott came over for a little while, Nat?” Stiles was kicked back on the couch, His eyes fixed on Natalie as she flip through the tv channels like a speed racer.

She shrugged her shoulders slightly, “Yeah that’s fine, babe. Your best friend is welcome any time.” He planted a wet kiss on her cheek causing her to giggle. He relished in her laugh, dreading to think that he might not hear it again. Stiles wanted to hold on to this feeling for as long as possible.

He nuzzled into her and peppered the side of her neck with little kisses, pulling her down further onto the couch. “Whoa, not that I’m complaining, but what’s going on with you, dork?” She laughed again.

Stiles didn’t move his head. “I,” Kiss. “Just,” Kiss. “Like,” Kiss. “You.” His top lip dragged down to the base of her throat and he darted his tongue out softly. Natalie let her head fall back and revel in what he was doing to her. Stiles’ teeth grazed softly against her skin and a moan escaped her.

The sound shot straight to his groin and that was all the encouragement he needed. His fingers snaked their way underneath the hemline of her shirt and his hand kneaded against her side. His lips searched for hers blindly, connecting with a shock. She ran her tongue against the entrance of his mouth and he let her in, joyfully. Their tongues met in battle, over and over. Natalie ruefully broke their lips apart and moved her hands down his chest. His breath caught in his throat as she lifted his black shirt over his head. In a swift motion, he had returned the action. He gulped at the sight of Natalie in her pink lace bra.

Her green eyes darkened with lust as she looked at Stiles. They were both panting in desire, their lips barely touching. Suddenly, Natalie flipped Stiles over and climbed on top of him. She pushed her core against him and he let out a moan of pleasure. Natalie began to slowly grind against Stiles, his jeans rubbing her in all the right ways. She needed a release and she was dying for Stiles to take her there. She let her eyelids close and let her hands roam over his toned chest. The years of lacrosse training had left him fit and he’d kept up with it through college.

Stiles watched in awe as the woman on top kept moving against him, her face contorted in pleasure. He could feel the heat pressed against him and he was dying to rip her shorts off. He drug his fingers up her thighs, teasing her.

“Please. Please, stop playing around, Stiles.” She whimpered softly.

At the sound of her begging, he traced his hands along the hem of her shorts, slipping his fingers under the band occasionally. She sat up so he could get a better angle, and he hooked his fingers into her shorts, ready to pull them down. Her breath caught in her throat in a hungry anticipation.

A knock at the door ripped them out of their little world. Natalie looked over to Stiles and pressed her lips to his, “Ignore it. He’ll get the hint if we don’t answer.”

He nodded and pressed his fingertips into her hip bones, pulling her chest against his. He was just letting his thoughts roam back to her body on his when another knock came. Louder and harder this time.

Stiles exhaled with frustration, “Come on Nat, we can start this up again later.” His fingers wrapped around hers as he helped her to her feet and handed her the little white shirt she had been wearing. He padded towards the door and let Scott in.

“Dude, sorry,” Scott flushed. “Didn’t mean to interrupt anything good.” He laughed and pointed to Stiles hair sticking in all different directions.

Stiles rustled a hand through his brown hair and shrugged, “Let’s just get this over with.”

---

Natalie watched the boys pace the length of the room, her eyes darting between Stiles and Scott. Occasionally, they would exchange worried looks. Stiles would stop in his place, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Then he would resume pacing.

“Um does someone want to tell me what’s going on? Is something wrong?” Natalie’s voice wavered, her mind racing with worst-case scenarios.

“Well...” Stiles started.

“Oh my god. Do you want to breakup? Is that it? You have Scott here to help you break up with me. Oh my god.” Natalie shot up off the couch in panic.

Stiles’ face dropped. “No no no no no, Nat.” He started laughing and set her back on the couch. “Babe, I would be crazy to break up with you. You’re perfect. Besides, Scott doesn’t want to deal with me moping around for weeks on end.”

Scott shook his head furiously. “That sounds like torture dude, you’ll be on your own.”

“Well what’s wrong then? You two are making my anxiety go through the roof.” Natalie said nervously, her leg bouncing up and down quickly.

The boys exchanged another glance. “Okay, so there’s something we need to talk to you about. And it might sound crazy and you might think we’ve lost our minds. But I need you to trust me. You trust me, don’t you?” A feeling of deja vu crept up on her but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

She nodded slowly at Stiles, his chocolate brown eyes searching hers desperately. “I just don’t want you to freak out. Nat, you came into my life at a time when I didn’t even know I needed you. You make my days brighter and my heart more full. So I don’t want to lose that.”

“Okay, Stiles. I trust you and you aren’t going to lose me. But you have to explain what’s going on. Whatever you did, we can get through it.” She rubbed her hand across his bicep to comfort him. Scott smiled at the two of them, wishing he wasn’t here to invade in their moment.

Stiles let out a shaky breath and then began, “Where should I start,” He asked himself. “When we were in high school, Scott and I were out in the woods, looking for a dead body.” Natalie’s eyebrows furrowed at the words. “Anyways, some crazy stuff happened and basically, Scott is a-” Another hard knock at the door interrupted Stiles. He dropped his head in exasperation.

Natalie shot him an apologetic look and walked to the entryway to open the door, Scott and Stiles trailed behind her. As she opened the door, her heart dropped and the breath got knocked out of her chest. She blinked a few times to see if that would clear her vision.

Dean stood in front of her, a small smile on his face. Sam stood slightly behind him, looking at her with awkwardness covering his features. Dean’s arm was up against the door frame and he was in his classic leather jacket. Stiles’ eyes were shooting daggers at him, not even paying attention to the giant that stood behind him. When Dean looked up and saw her, it was like the stars had been realigned for him. He had no idea how much he had missed this girl, his girl. She stood so still, hoping he would fade away, like this was some cruel joke her mind was playing on her.

Then he turned his attention to Stiles, just behind her, and shot him a wink. A smirk danced across his face and fire raged through Stiles. He moved to take a step towards him but Scott held him back.

Looking back at Natalie, “Hey Nat. I’ve really misse-” A crack echoed the entryway as her hand slapped across Dean’s face. All of the boys looked at Natalie in shock. Natalie could barely register Sam snickering softly.

“Don’t you dare speak to me, Dean Winchester. How dare you two show up on my doorstep, acting as if you’ve done nothing wrong.” The words were flying out of her mouth now. “You have some nerve, Dean. Both of you tossed me out like I was trashed and I haven’t seen you in five damn years, but I survived without you. So why don’t you just leave me the hell alone and we’ll all be better for it.” With that, she slammed the door, leaving the two men staring at the pattern on the door.

Stiles stepped forward to embrace Natalie, but she pulled out of his grasp and started to walk up the stairs tears forming in her eyes. “I just need to be by myself right now, if you guys don’t mind.” Stiles cringed, dying to make this right. But instead of pushing it, he dropped onto the couch and waited.

Tags:  @multifandomdisappointment @music-magic-mayhem @ghostaccio @rissyrapp20 @screamxqueenx94 @dark-night-sky-99 @pissoffghost-korg

[easyhairstylesbest]

Priyanka Chopra Jonas Says Writing Her Memoir Gave Her the Closure She Needed

Priyanka Chopra Jonas comes from a culture that doesn’t exactly encourage women to talk publicly about their personal lives—much less publish books about them. “It was ingrained in me from a young age not to air my dirty laundry in public,” she relates. “What’s another way to say it?” she asks, but answers her own question: “How about, people shouldn’t see you polishing your dirty armor—or something along those lines,” she laughs. “I grew up with that one, too.”

When Chopra Jonas was thinking about writing her memoir, her plan was to let people read between the lines. “I initially thought the book would be a series of letters to my younger self,” she recounts to me via Zoom. It’s a mid-January evening in London and Chopra Jonas is sitting serenely in front of a large burning fireplace wearing a two-tone silk shirt, her hair pulled back from her face. “I started the process in early 2020 thinking I would talk about my achievements, my laurels, give advice to my younger self—that sort of thing. I thought I would scratch the surface and skim over the more difficult parts of my life,” she muses dryly, shaking her head at her own naïveté. But when she sat down to write, that’s not what came out. “The process became more like writing in a journal,” she says. “As I started thinking about everything, writing became a dissection of my emotions, my failures, and my pain. There was so much that flowed out of me that I hadn’t thought about in years or even realized that I remembered.”

The task of immersing herself completely into Unfinished, her autobiography, came at the right time. “I was approaching 20 years of being in the entertainment industry and it was something I personally wanted to acknowledge,” she explains. “I also realized that I was at a place where I was self-assured enough to look introspectively into my life—something I wasn’t capable of at the time these things were happening.”

“From my earliest years, my dad and I had an understanding: Whenever he was performing at the army club he would look me in the eye during the first song. The New Year’s Eve I was five he forgot, so I started to leave in a huff. Dad jumped off the stage and pulled me up onto it with him, coaxing me into a duet—a nursery rhyme—and winning my forgiveness.”

Courtesy

The child of military doctors, Chopra Jonas grew up moving from one army base to the next. “Then, as an adult, I was always running from one project to the next. There was never any time to look back and reflect.” I nod, thinking of her plethora of Bollywood roles over the past two decades—70 and counting. “It has always been about the next thing. In many ways, I feel as if I have been running from myself for most of my life.”

True to form, our conversation comes on the heels of Chopra Jonas having just wrapped the Sony Pictures romantic comedy Text For You co-starring Celine Dion and Scottish actor Sam Heughan. With barely a break in between, she’s about to start work on the Amazon series The Citadel with actor Richard Madden (Bodyguard; Game of Thrones) for showrunner team the Russo Brothers; the project will have her stationed in London until November. “My job doesn’t have the luxury of consistency,” she says. “So when COVID happened it forced me to sit down and address the things I had bottled up for many years.”

Boarding school was an emotional place Chopra Jonas felt she needed to revisit. “Being sent away to school in the third grade was something I thought I had put to bed, but I was compelled to reconcile with for the book,” she tells me. During her first week at La Martiniere Girls’ Private School in Lucknow, India, a four-hour train ride from her hometown of Bareilly, she recalls sitting on a merry-go-round in the school’s playground clutching the cold, rusty bars, her eyes fixed squarely on the gate. She willed her mother to come back and take her home. “What I remember vividly is the feeling of being abandoned—a feeling that lasted for a long time.” After months of heartache (including one episode that made her physically sick) and clingy visits with her mother that pushed back any progress, Chopra Jonas says she slowly started to adjust.

“Whether heading to work in a chiffon sari or gliding through the house in a cloud of Dior perfume, my mother was always impossibly glamorous.”

Courtesy

But as the seesaw between emotion and numbness subsided, the confusion remained. “I didn’t understand why I had been sent away,” she says. “I also didn’t understand why she couldn’t visit as often anymore.” Some days Chopra Jonas blamed the arrival of her little brother, Sid, for taking away her mother’s attention. Other days, she blamed it on her own “bad behavior”—recalling the tantrums might have triggered the decision for round-the-clock discipline. “My mother didn’t explain her reasons for sending me to boarding school,” she writes, “maybe because she didn’t fully understand them herself”. Eventually, Chopra Jonas stopped questioning why she had been sent away and started settling in, thriving in extracurriculars such as singing, dancing, drama, and public speaking—a sign of things to come. She also made close friends. “I never thought about it, but maybe it gave me a stability I didn’t know I was craving,” she tells me.

The boarding school also gave Chopra Jonas a taste of independence—something she wanted more of as a teenager. At age 13, during her first-abroad trip to visit relatives in Cedar Rapids, Iowa with her mother, she loved the sense of autonomy she witnessed during a visit to her cousin’s high school. “In India, we wear uniforms in school, but in America I could dress the way I wanted,” Chopra Jonas says. “Girls wore makeup and wore their hair down. They also wore shorter skirts. That was exciting.” When her Kiran Masi (maternal aunt) asked her if she would like to live and go to school in Cedar Rapids, Chopra Jonas didn’t have to think about it: America could offer the brand of freedom she was looking for. She wasn’t afraid of being away from home this time: “Really it felt like just the next step in my education. I felt like boarding school prepared me for America.”

What it didn’t prepare her for was the bullying and racism that cast a shadow over her new life. During her sophomore year in Newton, Massachusetts, where she lived with her Vimul Mamu (maternal uncle) and his family, a peer in the ninth grade and her squad of “hecklers” started targeting Chopra Jonas. At first, she did her best to ignore the racist slurs and casual shoving. “I stopped taking the bus because I knew they would be on it,” she writes in the book. “I took different routes to classes even though they were longer; I stayed away from where they congregated at the lockers.” Chopra Jonas tried to manage the situation by herself for a year, but her self-esteem suffered. “I was tired of being pushed around and seeing vile things written about me in the girls’ bathroom.” She called her mother and told her she wanted to come home. “I broke up with America,” she tells me.

“I broke up with America,” she tells me.

The experience woke Chopra Jonas from the juvenile, sitcom-induced infatuation for the country she thought she knew. But she’s grateful she had the opportunity to escape. “There are so many kids this happens to, but they don’t have the choice I did to get out of their circumstances,” she says. “I was lucky that I could leave and that I didn’t have to deal with it. I think that if I had stayed it might have chipped at my confidence a lot more than it did. I feel blessed that I could go back home to the support and safety of my parents.”

But she knows that “not having to deal with it” isn’t always a blessing. When her father passed away from cancer in 2013, Chopra Jonas says she never really examined or dealt with her grief. “Instead I just powered through it.” She had just finished training for the title role of the Indian film Mary Kom, the true story of the Indian female boxing champion. “Distracting myself with work has always been my modus operandi,” she emphasizes with a gesture of her hand. “Any kind of heartache, failure, grief, or loss—I always just turned to my work. Work engulfed me whenever I needed it to. I was like an ostrich: I always just buried my head in the sand.”

“Vimal Mamu (my maternal uncle), my mother, and me in 1998, when she traveled to Newton, Massachusetts, to bring me home.”

Courtesy

While the physicality of the role helped to channel some of her grief, suppressing her feelings resulted in a depression that would surface a few years later. It was the spring of 2016 and Chopra Jonas had just moved from Montreal to New York to shoot the second season of Quantico. “I thought I had moved past it,” she says when I share a little of the ebb and flow of my own grief after losing my father three years ago—who, like Chopra Jonas’ dad, was also in his sixties. She nods in understanding. “In reality, I was always carrying it with me.”

Unfinished: A Memoir

Ballantine Books bookshop.org

$25.76

There were more unhappy endings. Quantico wrapped its final season and a romantic relationship also came to a close. “I was fortunate to be able to work because it was my salvation.” When she wasn’t on set or on location, Chopra Jonas says she was mostly alone. “I would eat alone, watch TV alone. I got very little sleep, and I put on about 20 pounds.” She doesn’t believe she was clinically depressed, ���but the time felt like a never-ending slump, a long sigh of sadness, a sort of pause on life that lasted three years,” she writes. There was one notable bright spot during Chopra Jonas’ intermission from life: “It was when I met Nick, even if it was very briefly,” she recalls, referring to her now-husband, singer-songwriter Nick Jonas.

Reflecting on her past through her book has been a lot like getting therapy, says Chopra Jonas. “It was a healing process,” she says. “For once in my life, I allowed myself to feel the feelings that I should have felt at the time.” In typical Indian fashion, her worrying has found a new outlet: the book’s release. “I’m terrified. There’s so much in there that I’m not comfortable sharing, even though I just did!” she laughs heartily. “The book is still fresh in my mind—raw even—especially since I just finished listening to the audio version. The whole time I was thinking, Oh my God, how am I even talking about these things?” She jokes that there are at least 25 things she wishes she had taken out. “But you know what? It’s okay,” Chopra Jonas says. “I understand that I can’t always be in control of everything.” She pauses, then adds: “It’s also too late to stop the presses.”

Wendy Kaur Wendy Kaur is a Toronto-based lifestyle, beauty and fashion writer whose work has been published in British Vogue, ELLE Canada, InStyle, FASHION, FLARE, and others.

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Priyanka Chopra Jonas Says Writing Her Memoir Gave Her the Closure She Needed

[angryhausfrau-writes]

You Can’t Cross the Same River Twice - Chapter 8

Trapper and Hawkeye do end up going out for drinks with Winchester again. And as funny as it would have been to take him to some shitty dive - to watch him squirm uncomfortably, surrounded by mill workers and longshoremen who hold him as deep in contempt as he holds them - Trapper doesn't do it. Winchester is Hawkeye's friend, and that means something. Plus, he gets to have the moral high ground by taking Winchester somewhere decent. So they go to the nice little neighborhood bar he and Hawkeye frequent. And Hawkeye even manages to finagle the use of the private back room somehow.

So they tell stories and talk shop and joke around. Winchester has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that meshes well with Trapper's own - when it's not being turned against "the unwashed masses," that is. But they have a nice time mocking the various stuffed shirts on the hospital board. And Hawkeye's heard from BJ and Margaret and shares funny stories of how they're settling in to life stateside. All in all, it's an enjoyable time. Trapper'd do it again.

And then Hawkeye breaks out the deck of cards. The poker game is a friendly one - they're literally playing for peanuts - but it still manages to be cutthroat. Winchester isn't one to back down from a challenge - perceived or real - so he's easy to goad. And Trapper and Hawkeye have known each other for forever, it feels like. They know how to read one another. And they've run a table before, back when Henry Blake was skint and offering twenty-four hour passes as collateral. They'd had a very nice weekend in Seoul off the back of that game. So they run Winchester into the ground. But he's a good sport about it - well, if angry promises of retribution can be called being a good sport. He's at least still talking to them afterwards.

It becomes kinda a regular thing, the poker game. The bar's happy enough to let them use the room every other Thursday - even though Trapper's not a heavy drinker anymore and Hawkeye's still sticking to Shirley Temples. Trapper wonders what exactly Hawkeye promised in exchange. But he's not missing any family heirlooms or internal organs, so it's probably fine. At least Winchester has come around on the merits of Irish whiskey and he ups their tab significantly with top shelf hooch.

Other players get slowly added to the game. Trapper invites Dr. Westham, who'd been stationed in Tokyo before Winchester's time but they still know - and despise - a lot of the same people. Hawkeye brings along Nurse Freeman from the clinic and she has the poker face of an Egyptian statue and the card counting skills of a mob professional. And she'd been at a field hospital at the tail end of WWII so she has her own stories of the Pacific theater. In all honesty, it's a little like being back in the Swamp at one of their weekly "medical conferences." Although now they're playing to remember the war - or parts of it, anyway - instead of to forget it.

Still, it seems natural to walk in one evening and see Sidney Freedman sitting there at the table. Trapper half expects Sam Pak to pop out from somewhere.

Hawkeye's following close behind and Trapper hears his breath catch on seeing Sidney. But when he exclaims, "Sidney! What are you doing here?" he sounds joyous, not anxious.

"Hello, boys." Sidney gets up and they shake hands warmly. "Dr. Winchester has stayed in touch and when he mentioned your little bi-weekly poker game, I figured I'd take a vacation."

Hawkeye's surprised it was Charles who stayed in touch with Sidney. He was very clear in his disdain for psychiatrists. But mostly, Hawkeye's just glad Sidney's not here for him. Because sure, he's still messed up by everything he went through. They all are or they never would have formed this little card club - this place where they can talk about what they'd seen and done during the war - talk and be understood. But he's not lost the way he was at the end of the war. He's found a purpose and a life and a self. A new balance of normalcy. But he doesn't want to think about all that right now. Like Sidney, he's just here for a poker game.

And the game is fun, the banter witty. Even though Hawkeye can practically see Sidney whip out a mental notepad when he mentions the clinic or child patients or anything that brushes close to his previous trauma. But he's been friends with Sidney for a long time and knows that's just who he is. He can no more turn off his assessment of the psychological than Hawkeye can his assessment of the medical. So when the game winds down and after a brief, nonverbal conversation with Trapper - one that Sidney also makes mental notes about - Hawkeye invites him to stay over at their house instead of finding a motel or taking a very late train back to New York. And Sidney accepts.

Hawkeye's pretty sure Sidney had Trapper and him figured out way back in Korea. And he never said anything then, so Hawkeye's not too wary about directing him to the guest room while he and Trapper get ready for bed pretty much as normal. They do maybe tone down the kissing a little. Just a little, though. All Sidney does is smile an enigmatic smile and wish them good night.

--

Sidney's still at the house when Trapper comes home from work. And they'd told him to make himself at home. So he just asks Sidney if he's ok with lamb and green beans and baked potatoes for dinner - and if there's anything he can do to make things a little closer to Kosher.

"I made it through three years of army food," Sidney replies, deadpan. "I'm sure whatever you make will be fine."

"I don't know if I should be insulted or not," Trapper jokes.

"Insulted. Always." Hawkeye must have caught the tail end of their conversation there, coming through the front door. "Sidney's like Father Mulcahy. Behind that innocent face is enough snark to level a city."

Hawkeye's clearly in a cheerful mood.

"Good day at the office, dear?" Trapper asks.

"Yep! It was just a lot of preventative stuff, routine checkups. I think the biggest injury I saw all day was the paper cut I got filling out order forms. You?"

Trapper shrugs into the beans he's washing. "Couple broken bones and an exploded spleen. Plus the usual bellyaching from Dobbs. How bout you, Sidney? I came home and the living room had been re-carpeted in your notes."

Sidney sighs. "I haven't been completely honest with you two. I've been asked to write a paper on my methods of treating battle fatigue at the front during the Korean war."

"Hence your trip to our little 4077 outpost." Hawkeye's expression has closed off.

"A working vacation." Trapper's own tone is caustic.

"I'm not here to make notes on any of you," Sidney is quick to reassure. "But I think it will be. Helpful. To my own mental state to be back among you all. The 4077 was always how I gauged my own sanity. And writing about Korea has brought those days back in a way I didn't quite expect."

Trapper looks to Hawkeye for direction. He'll remove Sidney bodily from their home if Hawk wants. Hawkeye looks back, gaze level, and they come to a consensus.

"Well, I can't claim that either of us are any saner than we were in Korea, but you're welcome to stay for a while. And if you have any questions for me, you can just ask." Hawkeye gives a wry smile. "I can't guarantee I'll have any answers, though."

They all relax a little.

"Thank you. Both for letting me stay in your home and for offering to let me take a peek under the hood. But for now, is there anything I can do to help with dinner?"

So the rest of the evening passes and they don't talk about anything more serious than the world series.

--

Hawkeye had been. Cautious. About having Sidney stay for longer than a night. But he's a considerate house guest. Helpful around the house and not a stifling presence. He even spends an evening with Charles so that Hawkeye and Trapper can have some time to themselves - and his sacrifice is very appreciated. But Hawkeye's been holding his breath, waiting for Sidney to start in on the surely lengthy list of questions he's saved up. So he's not surprised when Sidney sits down across from him at the kitchen table and asks if they can talk.

He is surprised when Sidney opens with, "So what do you remember about Steve Newsome?"

"Uh," Hawkeye has to think a bit. "He was a good surgeon. He'd been in some of the really heavy stuff early on but ended up transferred to Tokyo. The 4077 called him up as a temporary replacement and he was great in OR the first shift. But somewhere in the second batch of wounded, he just... got lost. Couldn't make a decision on whether to amputate or not. And then he just. Walked out of the operating room. BJ and I tracked him down and he was just sitting there on the ground. Face blank. And when we got him to talk, he just kept saying he couldn't get the blood off his hands. His clean hands. That's when Potter had you called in. Also, I think he was from Chicago."

Sidney's taking notes in a real, actual notebook so hopefully something in the little Hawkeye remembers is helpful.

"Do you know what triggered his difficulties in OR? Something about the patient?"

Hawkeye struggles to remember. "No, I don't think so. He wasn't like me where it was one single thing that reminded him of another single thing. I think he just. It was too much. Everything he'd seen and done in the past was layered over everything he was seeing and doing in our OR. He couldn't stand up under that weight." It makes Hawkeye wonder what would happen to any of them if they got shoved into another MASH in another, future war. He hopes they'll never have to find out.

Sidney nods and makes more notes.

"Can I ask why you're asking me about Newsome? Didn't you treat him in Tokyo?" Surely Sidney knows more about the man than anyone from the 4077.

Sidney sighs. "While I was the one to come collect him and I did an initial intake interview, he was moved to another psychiatrist for treatment. My caseload was too heavy to spend much time thinking about him. But now that the war is over and I've been asked to provide this paper, I find myself wanting to tie up loose ends." He pauses. "Unfortunately, there's as much infighting and posturing in psychiatry as there is in surgery. The doctor who treated Steve Newsome feels he's been spurned by the American Psychiatric Association and so refuses to offer any assistance."

Hawkeye groans. "Why even go into medicine if you care more about your ego than your patients?"

Sidney laughs. "Why indeed? Sadly, psychiatry can tell us nothing other than sometimes, people are assholes."

--

Sidney Freedman departs for Chicago a few days later. And Hawkeye is slightly surprised that he's sad to see him go. He'd had mixed feelings about the man after his stint in the Tokyo funny farm. But it seems like they'll be able to be friends again as civilians.

So Hawkeye supplements his handshake with a genuine, "Hope to see you again soon, Sidney."

And Trapper adds, "Yeah, you're always welcome at the poker game - as long as you keep losing." His grin is teasing, protective edge gone along with Hawkeye's reservations.

"Thanks, boys. I'll be in touch."

With a jaunty wave, Sidney boards the greyhound - headed for Chicago, Steve Newsome, and parts unknown.

[zoebechtle-blog]

Unlikely Chapter 12

“You know what my favorite thing about your face is?” Random thoughts from Zoe. Niall turned his eyes from the football match on the TV (against my own will, he had turned me into a Derby Rams fan). It was late on a Saturday night. Willie and Hannah were out of town and Deo had been relocated for the weekend. We hadn’t seen much of one another over the last week - he was finishing things for his upcoming charity golf tournament and gala, and sliding into the studio to write as often as he could. He claimed he'd had a stroke of inspiration lately and wanted to get back to making music. I was busy finishing up work on a big research project with a few other therapists, and hadn’t been home before 9:00 anytime recently. As of next week, his schedule was the most insane thing I’ve ever seen for an unemployed musician (as I liked to remind him): golf tournaments, fundraisers, charity games, concerts and festivals, and an extended trip to the U.S. to write and record more. Therefore, we had sequestered ourselves in his house and were having a grownup sleepover. Last night I’d insisted we make a fort out of cushions to eat pizza in - once I’d convinced him it was an amazing idea, he’d gone in with full gusto, choosing blankets that were sturdy. He fancied himself a fort engineer by the end, and was a little pissed when we knocked it down after the dinner during more active pursuits that resulted in an impressive patch of rug burn on my back. We took a long bath, with bubbles that I’d smuggled in, and I’d dozed off with my back resting on his chest, at ease with pretty much everything. He turned on some late 90s dance music this afternoon and we danced around like idiots, then tried (unsuccessfully) doing the tango (I have two left feet). I was trying to convince him to let me braid his hair, but he wasn’t there yet. It’d been the best 30 hours ever, and I was kind of buzzed off my love of him. Well, and the bottle of wine I’d been sipping on.

“What’s that, baby?” He took a long drink of his beer and I watched him swallow, enthralled. “Z?”

“Huh?”

He started laughing. “You have the attention span of a mouse. What’s your favorite thing about my face?”

“Oh yeah!” I was sitting on his left side on the ginormous sectional sofa in his living room, my feet across his lap. I scooted my butt closer until I was almost sitting on him, and turned his chin so he was facing forward and I had a perfect profile shot. “This. This is my favorite.”

“You’re poking my cheek!”

“No! I’m poking your eye dimple. It’s the cutest thing ever.”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about - don’t have a dimple on my eye.”

“Right under, not ON your eye.” I rolled my eyes for emphasis. “Here.” I grabbed my phone from behind me and pulled up a picture of him I’d taken that morning. He was sitting on his countertop in his tightie whities, laughing at my impressions of various Food Network chefs while I made French toast. He looked so utterly perfect, laughing so hard he ended up getting the hiccups when I discussed Wonder Bread and Egg Beaters as Sandra Lee, his hair falling over his brow and fingers grasping the overhang of the counter. Who knew the members of One Direction loved cooking shows? I’d promptly walked over the kissed the living hell out of him after I snapped the pic. Such opportunities could not be wasted. “See? It’s a little dimple and it only shows when you’re genuinely smiling. Everytime I see it I want to buy a house and retire there because it’s the most perfect place on Earth.” Okay, maybe I’d had closer to a bottle and a half of wine. He looked at me with wide, adoring eyes, and caught my lips with his own.

“Know what my favorite part of your face is?”

“I’m guessing my lips because, blah blah, sucking you off,” I gave him a cheeky grin, expecting the usual male answer.

“You underestimate me, Zoe,” he replied, wrinkling his forehead and pushing his pretty lips out into a tiny pout. He actually looked a little hurt.

“I’m sorry, boo.” I traced his chin dimple with my thumb, pacifying him. “What’s your favorite part?”

He kissed my brow bone. “This. Can tell everythin’ you’re thinkin’ by your forehead and brows. You can’t hide a thing. Explains why you can’t play poker for shit.”

“I’m not THAT bad.”

“Babe, Nick took forty quid off you in one hand.”

“He cheats.”

“Sure he does.” He’d pulled me back against the cushions with him and I cuddled up to his side. “Love you. Bad poker face and all. Best thing that ever happened to me.”

I felt my emotions bubble up as they always did when he said something like this. “Love you more.”

“Impossible.”

“So possible.”

“Nope.”

“Shut up, shamrock.” In order to ensure his silence, I climbed over his lap and kissed him stupid. He upped the ante by slipping my t-shirt over my head, and I won by pushing his shorts down and sliding down on his cock.

His stylist, Ellie, and her favorite tailor showed up Sunday early afternoon to fit Niall for his fundraiser suit one last time. He was leaving soon for a golf tournament in Northern Ireland so all final preps needed to be now. I adored Ellie-she’d helped me find a dress (not even a dress, a fabulous creation of nature that was the most perfect item of clothing I’d ever had on my body) for the upcoming Horan Rose event. And to Niall’s chagrin, I’d paid for it myself despite his requests otherwise and whines to the stylist. I would be there not only in girlfriend capacity, but also representing the clinic and its autism research efforts. Luckily, my boss was coming as well, as Niall’s guest, so he could field all the tricky questions. An administrator I am not. When I’d shown Hannah pictures of the miracle dress, she’d been shocked.

“It’s pink.”

“‘tis.”

“You don’t wear pink. Ever.”

“I like pink!”

“I know, but 90% of your wardrobe is black! And it’s light pink at that!”

“Because pastels make me look dead. But this looks good.” I showed her the next pic in the roll of me modeling for Ellie.

“Holy shit.”

“Right?”

Hannah sat back, obviously proud of herself, “Love looks good on you, Zoe Jane.”

I threw a shoe at her, intentionally missing. She wasn’t wrong.

I laid on the bed while Niall pranced around in his underwear. His good mood was infectious, and Sam the tailor was having none of it.  The older gentleman who had twice whacked him on the back of the thigh for screwing around. He’d earned my adoration quickly.

“Zoe, will you look at these ties?” Ellie had plopped down next to me, holding up a large box. “I can’t decide which one.”

“Lord, she’ll put me in a bow tie, don’t let her choose, El!” I stuck my tongue out at Niall as I sorted. Damnit. He was right. I loved bow ties. They looked dapper.

“How about this one?” I held up a navy one for Ellie’s inspection.

“The peaches? You think?”

“Yup. In honor of his little peach bum.” He shook said bum at us, earning another smack from Sam. Too cute for words.

I was nervous about the fundraiser. Besides it being my first official event as Niall’s date, I was also going to meet the whole Horan clan - he was flying a boatload of people over from Ireland for the party. In negotiations with him and Kim, I’d gotten out arriving with him and doing the red carpet thing (the mere idea gave me hives). He wasn’t aware that I wasn’t going to be “arriving” at all - at my request, Kim was going to arrange for me to come in the back door of the facility. I knew I’d be photographed at some point or another, but I wanted to avoid it as much as possible. I agreed that I’d sit at his table and be on his arm instead of eating with Willie and Hannah nearby or my boss and his wife in the back of the room. He knew I was terrified of the attention, and tried to talk me down as much as possible.

“I know it’s a lot, babe.” We were FaceTiming as he got ready to head off to a rugby match with Rory.

“No, it’s fine. I just don’t want people paying attention to something that isn’t a the reason for the night,” I tried to explain. I started playing with my bracelet, twirling it around my fingers.

“Put the bracelet down, ya liar.”

“What?”

“Get on me about my nervous hands, and ya do the same damn thing.” He pulled his shirt over his head. “Kate is next to Justin, so why wouldn’t ya be with me?”

“Um, because she’s his wife.”

“Is that all it takes then?  Ok? Wanna get married? Let’s go.” Wha? I knew my mouth was gaping.

“No! I mean...no, shut up.”

He knew he had me and smirked. “Just gotta say the word.”

I rolled my eyes. “They’ve known one another more than three months. They weren’t outed on the The Daily News and Sun out partying. Twice. The fangirls of the world don’t hate Kate. I don’t want to cause problems for you.”

“Z, are ya ever gonna realize that I don’t give a fuck? Yeah, I try to keep as much of me life private as I can, but I’m not going to hide ya. Ever. And I’ll protect you.” By this point he was pointing his finger at his laptop in a rant.

“God you’re a pain in the ass.”

“Likewise, pretty girl. I gotta go, car is here. Love you.”

“I love you, too, Nialler.”

Niall got home late Thursday night, and the Irish contingent starting arriving by the planeload Friday afternoon. I’d stayed late at work to get ahead since I’d be off Monday and Tuesday for the golf tournament and the inevitable aftermath-I’d been training my liver for this weekend since I was sixteen. After work I’d planned on going home, leaving Niall to his own devices with his guests. But in true Niall fashion he had his dad text me that he expected to see me when he landed. The little bastard had pulled out the Bobby Horan card.   When I finally left, a black Range Rover beeped at me from the curb and Basil waved.  I let out a sigh and muttered to myself.  “So much for taking the tube like a normal goddamn human being.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Picking you up, obviously.”

“He really doesn’t know how to take no for answer, does he?” I buckled into the passenger seat as Bas tossed my bag in the back.

I wasn’t one hundred percent on board with this uncomfortable hour drive and silently shook my fist at my boyfriend. I was still trying to figure out where I stood with Bas. While I was sure he didn’t hate me, my relationship with Niall and what it meant for his security (and heart) were still unknown. We both routinely got some nastygrams, and lately he’d been getting his phone hacked on the regular and spammed by little shits. I was anxious and had skipped lunch today because my stomach was going nuts with nerves. I was facing an entire long weekend filled with people who loved Niall and were going to be watching me. I didn’t work well under pressure. So I filled the car with awkward conversation until Bas’s eyes basically begged me to shut up. Rightfully silently chastised, I leaned my seat back and closed my eyes until we arrived home (shit, did I just refer to Niall’s house as home?). I didn’t even get my buckle undone when the door was opened.

“Ni, Jes-,” Oh. This was not my blonde bombshell. The older man with rosy cheeks beamed at me.

“Zoe! Aw, love, it’s a pleasure!” The legend himself, Bobby Horan, pulled me out of the car and into a gigantic bear hug. Unlike when I met Harry, however, I didn’t mind. I may have squealed a little bit.

“Back off, old man!” Niall elbowed his dad. “I haven’t seen my girl all week.”

“Whose fault is that, youngster?” Bobby gave me a grin, and I squeezed him again.

My quick confidence shot from Bobby quickly diminished when I walked into a house full of strangers. I knew it was coming but still was not prepared. Before I could blink, I’d met Eoghan, Bressie (hello...I was never going to be able to make eye contact with him), Bobby’s girlfriend Aoife, another Niall, and various other guys whose names I was going to spend the whole weekend trying to remember. I was passed from person to person - the Irish were huggers. Sensing my discomfort, Deo slid a Jameson in my hand. I mouthed a thank you to him and downed it only to have it replaced by a beer. After being appropriately introduced, I excused myself to go to the bedroom and change. And have a minor panic attack in the bathroom.

“Babe?” Shit, I’d been gone for almost half an hour.

“In here.”

“Decent?”

“Totally depends on your definition. But no, I’m not pooping.”

His head poked through the door, giving me a look. “Hiding, huh?”

It was useless, he’d figured out my M.O. “There are just so many of them. And they all love you. If you haven’t noticed, I tend to make an ass out of myself when I’m nervous.”

“I know. Still waiting for those strokes you promised me.”

“I hate you.”

“C’mere.” He pulled me up to him, wrapping his arms around my middle. “I missed ya. Didn’t even get a proper kiss. My da’ cock blocked me.”

“I’m assuming not for the first time.”

“You have no idea.” He’d finally worked a smile out of me and gave me a warm, gentle kiss that I felt down to my toes. The beer he’d been enjoying was obvious, but there was a slight mint to his taste as always. “Missed you, pretty girl.”

“I missed you, too.” I rested my head on his collarbone as an someone beat on the window in the closet, causing us to both jump a foot.

“Quit molesting the lady, Horan, and get your ass out here!”

“Fuck you, Eoghan!” he shouted back. “Hey,” he whispered, pulling my attention up to him. “Everyone out there is so excited to get to know you. You’re all I’ve talked about for months. Babe, they love you already. I promise.”

The Irish could party, let the record reflect. Aoife, Hannah, and I ventured out late Sunday morning for manicures and to get last minute supplies, including buy a new tie for Eoghan, who had insisted his could double as a headband the night before, requiring me to cut him out of it. None of Niall’s ties matched the intricate pattern of his suit, he claimed (Niall was positive he just wanted me to feel the fabric) and I’d been tasked. Once I’d gotten over my initial shyness, I realized why every one of these people were special to Ni. It made me feel even closer to him, and pondered introducing him to my family eventually (then promptly took a shot to chase that crazy idea away). The only stone left unturned was Maura. She and her husband were meeting us at the event. Willie and Deo privately had told me that she’d guilted Niall into the invitation - something she routinely did when there was something she was interested in. In the time we’d known one another I had never witnessed her interacting with him in any way. I had developed an attitude about her, and he was aware of it. I didn’t know Niall as a small child, but the idea of willingly leaving him was foreign to me. I didn’t know her side of the story, it was true. But even how she treated him now pissed me off. Plus, I’d bore witness to the affects of her abandonment, and that made me pull out my momma bear tendencies.

Over the last two months I’d observed Niall pour over details with planners and Justin, his co-host. He’d really put his heart and soul into it, and I was full of pride. So proud that I’d risked my perfect hairdo (okay, so it was Hannah and her masterful use of a flat iron and bobby pins) to give him a blowjob in the closet before he’d left. Right against his perfectly organized hat collection, near the mirror so he could watch in full detail as I swallowed him whole wearing nothing but a strapless bra (ouch) and lace boyshorts.

“Christ, if that’s the reaction I get for helpin’ people I’m gonna sign over my whole bank account.” I’d just nuzzled my cheek against his thigh and cleaned him off with a satisfied sigh. Then I  did something so positively dirty that when my rational brain returned I couldn’t believe it. I dipped my finger in a tiny trickle of come on his thigh, and, eyes locked with his, and dabbed it behind my ears like perfume. Then licked my finger.

“So I have a little bit of you with me all night.” I loved philanthropic men, what could I say? He hauled me to my feet and was about to maul me when his phone rang. “That’s your car.”

“Fuuuuuck. I’m going to think of that all night.”

“I know. That’s why I did it.” I kissed his lips pertly and rubbed his nose with mine. “Go, I’ll see you in a bit. I’ll be the one falling down in heels.”

“Don’t worry,” he turned to grin at me as he picked up his suit jacket, “I’ll catch ya.”

The ballroom at the private golf club was madness. Ellie and I had ridden from the house together, and were both bouncing with excitement. Swanky events weren’t my thing, but I knew the night promised to be amazing. We had shuffled in through the kitchen, and observed Jamie Freakin’ Oliver yelling out directions. El didn’t give me time to adequately fan girl. Probably for the best. I’m sure I would have ended up stealing a carrot. We spotted Bressie and Eoghan and huddled with them. My inner matchmaker decided that Ellie and the single Bressie would be adorable, and I made a mental note to mention that to Niall later. He was still working the green carpet, and would be for a while. I’d spied him outside of the ballroom doors and felt giddy inside - he looked amazing (god, Ellie was good at her job) and in his element.

We sipped Horan Shamrock Spritz cocktails and the obvious jokes about Niall being in our mouths were shared. I privately gloated knowing he was more than just in my mouth. Eoghan eventually made a face, “Of course she’d show up to this - rich and famous folks.” We all turned in unison and Bres groaned. I recognized the tiny (seriously, I’m short - I would tower over her) woman as Maura. Not wanting to be obvious and being a huge fan of avoidance, I excused myself to go to the charity section and spend some time mingling and discussing the clinic with guests, most of whom had no idea that I was anything other than a practitioner attending the event. My feet ached by the time dinner was announced, the royal blue shoes that matched some of the gem detail on the top of my cocktail dress not being designed for long term wear. I mentally patted myself on the back for tossing a pair of flip flops into my bag.

“Excuse me, excuse me,” a familiar Irish voice interrupted my conversation with an older couple about vaccines (for the nine millionth time in my career). Niall put his arm around my waist, “I need to steal this one to meet a few people. Have you all seen the silent auction tables? We’ve got some great prizes. Glenn,” he patted the man’s elbow, “there’s a package to play with Rors this fall. It’s got your name written all over it.” Like that he slid me a way.

“I owe you. So hard.”

“Your eyes were screamin’. I know when my girl needs help.” He kissed my cheek as we navigated the crowd, being stopped by every other person for Niall to chat. “You smell fuckin’ amazin’.” We raised our eyebrows at one another.

“Musk.”

“You’re going to kill me, woman.”

We were interrupted by a high pitched, loud voice, “There’s my baby boy!” I knew I couldn’t avoid her all night.

“Mam, I was lookin’ for ya. Wanted to introduce you to Zoe, my girlfriend. Zo, this is my mam, Maura, and step dad, Chris.” I could see Maura eyeing me up and down, and I felt everything from my hair to my toes being judged. I slapped on a huge smile and reminded myself that he loved her despite the shenanigans she’d caused, so I owed it to him to try.

I extended my hand, “It’s lovely to finally meet you.”

“You, too, dear. I didn’t know you had a young lady, Niall.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, for a couple of months.” The tension was thick and I was uncomfortable.

“Did the two of you have a nice trip?” It was lame, but it was something. We stood and talked awkwardly (Niall had his arms crossed over his chest with his hands tucked, a sure sign he was uncomfortable) until dinner was announced. We were all at the same table, but luckily were joined by Bobby and Aoife as well, and Deo and Martin. Willie, Hannah, Eoghan, Bressie, and other friends were behind us, and at the next table were Justin and Kate (whom I had grown to quickly adore) and their family members. There were plenty of people to chat with so I could avoid direct conversation with Maura, who, to be fair, didn’t seem all that interested in talking to me. Luckily, the wine was flowing.

Shortly after dessert was served, some big shot came over and Niall introduced us all. As they left to start the speeches, the gentleman complimented Bobby and Maura on raising such a fine young man. Having sat back and watched her bask in Niall’s glory all night (and watching his jaw tense and him clench his fist when she did), including claiming him auditioning for XFactor was her idea (it wasn’t, and any fan with internet access knew that) and how she always knew he’d be special, my irritation grew, I couldn’t control myself. The cat was out to play.

“Yes, Bobby, he’s right,” I reached over and grabbed “the father-in-law” (as he’d dubbed himself the night before)’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “You really did a fabulous job with that one. Thank you.” I knew Maura caught what I’d done, and frankly I didn’t care. She glared at me and I gave her the eye right back. Deo watched us in amusement.

“Zoe, would you like to go to the powder room with me?” She was throwing down a challenge, and emboldened by liquid courage, I took it.

“Certainly.” Aoife looked at me with wide eyes, and stood to come along. I waved my hand at her, and she grabbed it. She had my back.

“Aoife, I think this needs to be a talk between Niall’s mother and his fling,” Maura said, giving her a withering look. Oh fuck no. Those were fighting words. I pushed my chair in with a little more force than I’d intended, and the table shook. She might be little, but I had rage and a little country in me. I would take her on for insulting me, her ex-husband’s girlfriend, and abandoning her sons. With pleasure.

“Well, let’s go have this talk, shall we?” I turned on my heel and walked off to the private toilets, not looking back to see if she’d follow me. I knew she would. And I knew whatever I said would be turned around to make her the victim. We all knew women like her. I leaned against the toilet wall and waited.

“Listen, missy,” she’d barely cleared the door. Normally I hated confrontation, but this was different. This was standing up for Niall. “I don’t know who you think you are, but I am his mother and you will not undermine me. I am just as responsible for his success as his father!” She was feisty, I’ll give her that. “You don’t know anything about me and how dare you embarrass me in front of these people. You’re just a slag using him for his money and connections.” I just let her rant. Also, project much?

My voice was much more calm than I’d anticipated. “You’re right, Maura, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you went through when you abandoned your sons, but I’ve seen first hand the damage it’s caused. I’ve had to deal with the complex Niall has about women leaving him, and it almost ruined our relationship before it started. Forgive me if I underestimate your contribution to his life beyond birthing him.”

“You have some nerve!” The door opened and Aoife and Hannah walked in just in time to hear her shriek at me.

“I do. You’re right. But, I’m not ‘some fling’. If you were an active part of his life, you’d know that. Everyone else from Ireland knew. I love your son. Desperately. And I apologize,” that hurt to even say (sorry not sorry), “if you feel that I haven’t adequately respected you. But please quit taking credit for something you had very little to do with. Niall is the amazing person he is in spite of you, not because.” My peace being said, I brushed past her and walk out of the bathroom, my hands shaking and went straight to the bar.

The night proceeded on, but I felt uneasy. It probably wasn’t my place to tell his mother off, even though she richly deserved it. Especially on a night like this. I tried to put it out of my mind, but I couldn’t. My stomach rebelled against me and I was anxious as hell. I’d seen her approach Niall afterwards and the two of them venture outside, their heads bent towards one another. Shit. Before I could check with him, however, the performances started.

Hannah had shared the highlights (greatly exaggerating, as to be expected) with the boys, and Eoghan had declared me his hero. Bressie jokingly offered to pay my tab for the evening. Bobby very obviously called me daughter multiple times in her earshot. At least some people were on my side.

“Hidin’ so I can’t have a dance with ya?” I’d be standing at the bar, sipping another Horan cocktail, and his hands rubbed my hips. He dipped his mouth close to my ear and whispered, “Gotta be careful kissing your neck tonight. Not big on the taste of myself.” I laughed and turned around, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“Hi, bugaboo.”

“Hi.” He kissed my nose. “Heard you’re causing trouble.” My stomach dropped and my face flamed even more. I bit my lip, hard.

“Sorry, I ran of-”

“Don’t apologize,” he stared at me. “No one has ever called Maura on her bullshit before. No one ever stood up for me like that.”

I exhaled, the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders. I pulled on a little piece of hair on his neck. “I could have picked a better venue, though.”

“Probably. But this is twice you’ve proven you’re a fucking bad ass in public.” He kissed me and lead me onto the dance floor as “Fix You” by Coldplay blasted. Appropriate.

[fictitiousmagines]

5 Words

Imagine: Telling Sodapop you’re pregnant after he ghosts you.

Not my GIF.

"Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Ohhh, about 8 weeks or so," the doctor said as he removed his gloves with a snap. He coolly tossed his gloves in the trash and shot her a disapproving look. “You'll need to come back in a week for a check up.”

She got dressed as a feeling of dread washed over her. She went through the motions of checking out of the clinic in a trance like state. She thought it was something she had eaten. Her sister wasn't much of a cook. Or maybe the cafeteria food she often ate between classes at the local community college. Pregnancy was the last thing she'd expect. But as the weeks went on, she had a sneaking suspicion. At 19, she felt invicible and free. As she made her way to the waiting room, she didn't feel so bulletproof anymore.

This 'miracle,' occured on a date not too long ago. He was the most gorgeous guy she'd ever seen up close. He offered to take her fishing up at the lake. Maybe it was the moon or the summer heat, but they didn't exactally fish all night. It was the exciting passion she'd seen in the movies. They laughed and kissed all night. But after he didn't call her back, she took the hint. She'd him two weeks ago at the local burger joint. Cuttin' up and flirting with a leggy red head. As soon as his gaze found her, he seemed off his game. He kept glancing her way, a detail that didn't excape her or his date.

She shook herself out of her thoughts as she waved to her sister in the waiting area.

"Y/N?" Dora asked as she neared her sister.

Y/N face crumpled as her composure broke. Tears fell freely from her eyes. Dora led her sister out of the clinic, away from prying eyes. As they found themselves leaning against their car Dora faced Y/N.

"Are you?"

She let out a loud sob and covered her face. It was clear that she was overwhelmed with shame. This kind of thing didn't happen to nice girls.

"Oh, shhhh," the eldest sister soothed. "It's not like your dying," she continued as she eased her sister int he passenger seat before heading to the drivers side. "Besides, you've got options you know."

"I know," Y/N sniffled. "I just feel so damn stupid." Dora pushed the hair out of her sister's face. "We all make mistakes Y/N. Cute and Handsome Mistakes. Dispite the red glassy eyes, that comment coaxed a laughed out of Y/N.

Silents hung heavy in the air, as the situation sunk in. Pregnant. Y/N was pregnant.

"You gonna tell him?" Dora asked cautiously.

She nodded and rubbed her eyes vigorously. "Well, shit. I suppose we should get this over with."

Dora was taken aback but this sudden show of boldness. "Y/N, there isn't any harm and sleeping on it. Do you even know what you're gonna do about...Ya know?"

She huffed in frustration. "If I don't do it now, I may never do it. Best get me while I'm feeling brave."

Dora nodded and started the ignition. The car ride was mostly quiet. Alma made herself up in the visor mirror. She didn't understand why she even cared. Neither did Dora. She rolled her eyes as Y/N powdered her face. It didn't do much to diminish the redness in her face, but it helped. She carefully wiped the traces of mascara away from her eyes.

The DX station wasn't far from Doctor Fairfields office. Soon that DX sign loomed into view. Her breath caught as her anxiety seemed to sky rocket. "Y/N," Dora said as she parked. "Are you sure you want to do this today?" Alma fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "It's like a bandaid right?"

"Right," Dora sighed. "Just like a bandaid."

She slung her purse around her shoulder. "You can go ahead on home. I'll take the bus or walk. Probably will need the time to think." Her sister nodded unsurely as she shut the cardoor. She could hear servicce bells and tools in use. She forced herself forward wtih every step. Until final she slipped through the enterance; the door closing behind her with an audible smack.

Soda came strolling out, not really seeing her. "Welcome to DX, how can I help caught himself of guard when he saw her right infront of him. He broke into his signature grin. "What're you doing here?" His smile wasn't returned.

"Hey Sodapop... Can we talk?"

"Well sure, but I'm at-"

"Please," she interupted. "It's important."

Soda sighed and nodded. "Terry?" He said as he motioned to the counter. A man emerged from the doorway and patted Soda on the back as he turned to go.

The walked silently to the side of the DX. It was a a private area where the guys go to smoke.

Soda itched the back of his neck. "I'm real sorry for not calling. Ya see, things have been really busy."

She snorted and shook her head. "I'm not here for that."

"That why are you here?" He said with a mixture of confusion and annoyance. She leaned against the brink wall and looked blankly ahead of her. She was searching for her courage.

"I'm pregnant," she said quietly.

You'd have thought she socked Sodapop right in the jaw. He started pacing rapidly before kicking a trashcan. It crashed into the brickwall, scattering it's remains. He whipped around and faced her. He placed his hands on her shoulder, and they were suprisingly gentle.

"Are you sure? Like, are you completely positive?"

She scooted away from him as she bit her lip. "I went to the doctor's today. 8 weeks," she said as she looked him dead in the eye. She searched for any resemblance of the man she was so sweet on. All she saw was fear.

He ran a strong hand through his dark blonde locks. His chest started heavy slightly. "Are you sure it's even mine?" She shoved him away from her roughly. Soda was waiting for the yelling and screaming. But all her heard was soft wimpering sobs. "It was my first time," she said as she raised her eyes to his. He lip quivered as she looked away. At that moment, she couldn't stand to look at him. Soda felt about 2 feet tall. With 5 words, she explained so much.

"Well, shit," he groand. "Ain't that the luck huh?"

She attempted to dry her eyes but her hands were greeted with fresh tears. He shook his head. He knew now wasn't the time for his humor. But words just seemed to excape him.

"I didn't know," he said quietly. She seemed stunned almost to silence. It made him uneasy. "Y/N," he said as he placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm real sorry I scared you. It's just shockin' is all." She shrugged it off and shook her head. Her eyes were starting to get puffy. "Anyways," she grumbled. "I'm gonna get out of here."

She turned to walk out of the ally. When she heard his footsteps approaching, she quickened her pace. "Wait!" He caughed up with her easily. "Please," he begged. "Ain't we gonna talk about this more?"

"Like what?"

"Like, what in Sam Hill you and I are gonna do?"

She pinched the bridge of her nose and laughed in frusteration. "I found out less than an hour ago. You're guess is as good as mine."

"Well," he sighed. "That's fair."

"I'm giving myself a week or so to think about it." She looked at her wristwatch as if she was late for an appointment. "I've uh, probably kept you long enough. I better get going."

Before she could excape again, he gently touched her shoulder.

"Wait, how're you getting home?" His voice sounded tired but filled with concern. He seemed to remember that she shared a car with her sister. That's why he picked her up for the lake.

"Probably gonna take the bus, maybe walk."

"It's kinda hot out. Come on, let me drive you home."

She shook her head and pulled away.

"Please," he said to her back. There it was. There was a sliver of the man she remembered. So genuine. "I want to drive you home."

No words were spoken as they got into the truck. Nor, were any spoken on the ride home. After such a heavy conversation, She welcomed the quietness. He kept sneaking looks at her. It was enough to make her want to jump out of the car.

Sodapop pulled into the parking lot of her appartment and turned off the engine.

"I wanna help," he said as she fingered the door handle. "Whatever you do. I want to help."

"Assuming is yours right?" she said bitterly.

Sodapop nodded and sighed. "Hey, I shouldn't have said that. Alright? Look, I know you ain't like that. I just let my own shit, get the best of me."

"Look, I have another check up next Tuesday at 12. I mean if you want to come."

He looked at her almost miserable expression. Miles away from that smiling girl at the lake. Boy he sure did love that smile. Or the way she'd wrinkle her nose when she tried to bait her own hook. Of course, Soda did what he did best when he liked a girl. Nothing at all. He just let her slip on by. Not that any of that mattered now.

"Yeah, I- Of course," He said fumbling over his words.

"Meet me at the clinic at 11:45," she said as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

"Y/N?" he said before she had a chance to close the door.

"I'm real sorry," he said with an expression filled with guilt and maybe a little regret.

"For what?" She closed the car and darted inside.

"For a lot," he said to no one in particular.

[vintage1981]

#FlashbackFriday to Jess Franco’s Faceless/Gorezone Issue 6

Toward the end of the decade of decadence (aka the 80s) exploitation auteur Jess Franco attempted to break into the commercial horror market. Faceless is the most notable production, with a cast that brings together ex-porn actress (and Jean Rollin regular) Brigitte Lahaie, British genre icon Caroline Munro, German character actor Anton Diffring, Luchino Visconti muse Helmut Berger, and seventies US TV and film superstar, Telly Savalas! Although still a low budget affair, this Rene Chateau production does offer a slick and glamourous look, unlike anything typically seen in a Jess Franco production.

Dr Frank Flamand (Helmut Berger) runs a posh clinic that specialises in expensive beauty treatments and quack "youth-enhancing" therapies for the excessively rich and vain. What his pampered clients do not know though is that many of their treatments are developed at the expense of kidnapped experimental subjects who are kept prisoner in the soundproof padded cells behind a locked door deep within the labyrinthine corridors of the clinic!

When a dissatisfied patient (who was horribly scarred during bungled plastic surgery) attempts to gain revenge by throwing acid in Flamand's face, she instead hits his beautiful sister, Ingrid (Christiane Jean) and badly disfigures her. Flamand vows to restore the beauty of his beloved sister and, together with his ice-cold assistant (and lover) Nathalie (Brigitte Lahaie), organises the kidnapping of coke-addicted model Barbara Hallen (Caroline Munro) with the intention of using her in a new face-transplant operation he intends to develop for his sisters benefit. Barbara is the daughter of wealthy industrialist Terry Hallen (Telly Savalas) and after his daughter's disappearance, Hallen hires American private detective Sam Morgan (Chris Mitchum) to find her. Meanwhile, Flamand and Nathalie consult Dr. Karl Heinz Mozer (Anton Diffring), an ex-Nazi associate of Flamand's mentor Dr Orloff (Howard Vernon), and employ him to help them experiment on more kidnapped victims in their attempts to perfect the complicated operation.

Gorezone Issue 6: Caroline Does Splatter by Steve Swires

Fantasy films’ first lady has been systematically subjected to an onslaught of cinematic indignities — stalked by slashers, menaced by madmen and terrorized by tormentors. Rarely, however, has she been asked to exercise her acting ability; usually, she is merely required to look helpless, scream her lungs out and defer to the heroics of her male co-stars.

Finally, after two decades of dramatic dues-paying in such creatively constrained circumstances, Caroline Munro feels confident enough to test her talent. A veteran of 13 consecutive genre excursions— including Dracula A.D. 1972, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, Maniac and The Last Horror Film — she recently ended her involuntary screen hiatus by starring in two new English-language European horror movies, Paul Naschy’s Spanish-lensed The Howl of the Devil and Jess Franco’s French Faceless. Reaching beyond the limitations of her cult status, she also made her first non-genre appearance in 20 years, in the British TV movie Maigret.

Selected by her Slaughter High collaborators Peter Litten and George Dugdale to play the female lead in their proposed big-budget production of Dr. Who: The Movie as well as the title role in their unorthodox multimedia creation Roxscene, Munro grew increasingly restless as both major projects were delayed by a lengthy development process. Anxious to resume her acting career after four years as hostess of the popular British TV game/variety series 3-2-1, she gratefully accepted the unexpected offers of overseas employment.

“The more I’m on camera, the better it is for me,” the British actress reasons, relaxing one morning in her London flat. “As with an athlete or a dancer, an actor must keep training. Since Doctor Who and Roxscene have yet to reach fruition. The Howl of the Devil, Faceless and Maigret gave me an opportunity to get out and do a bit of work. Frankly, I become very bored when I’m not working.”

There were few occasions for boredom on the rugged Spanish locations of The Howl of the Devil (a.k.a. El Aullido del Diablo). Shot in Madrid and the quaint mountain village of Loyzoya— complete with cobbled streets and an 11th-century monastery — during July and August of 1987, the film was written, directed by and stars Paul Naschy. A short, toupeed, barrel-chested John Belushi look-alike whose real name is Jacinto Molina, Naschy has appeared in more than 75 Spanish movies bearing such luridly Anglicized titles as Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror, The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman, Count Dracula’s Great Love and Night of the Howling Beast, earning him the crown of Spain’s King of Horror.

Designed as an ambitious showcase for his performing abilities, Howl presents Naschy in 10 different roles, reflecting his affection for the classic Hollywood movie monsters of his youth. A demented retired actor named Hector lives with his young nephew Adrian in an ominous chalet, where he dresses up as Fu Manchu, Rasputin and Bluebeard to torture nubile female victims procured by his loyal manservant Erik, portrayed by Howard Vernon. A horror fan himself, Adrian (played by Naschy’s 12-year-old son, Sergio Molina) fantasizes visits from his favorite celluloid creatures, recreated in elaborate prosthetic makeup by Fernando Florido and embodied by the ubiquitous Naschy: the Frankenstein Monster, the Phantom of the Opera, Quasimodo, Mr. Hyde and — inevitably— Naschy’s best-known character, the melancholy werewolf Waldemar Daninsky. This Happy home life is eventually interrupted by the reappearance of Adrian’s dead father, Hector’s twin brother Alex, a rotting corpse also essayed by the resilient Naschy.

Cast by novice producer Juan Gomez after he spotted her photo in David Quinlan’s book The Illustrated Directory of Film Stars, Munro plays a poor Spanish maid named Carmen, relentlessly pursued by the homicidally horny Hector. Unfamiliar with Naschy or his work, Munro asked her solicitor father to read the clumsily translated screenplay, which was filled with guilt and retribution, sexual repression and religious obsession. “Obviously, he didn’t think it was brilliant,” she admits. “But he said, ‘It’s certainly no worse than some others you’ve done, and it might be an interesting part for you.’ I thought it could be a mistake for me to do it, but because I liked my part, I decided to take a chance. Besides, if my dad thought it was all right, then it must be OK.”

Burdened by an unwanted glamor image as a perennial sex symbol, Munro enthusiastically donned plain-looking clothes, flat shoes and an apron, and pinned back her long dark hair to* convincingly portray her earthy character. Likewise, Munro actually scrubbed floors and even chopped the head off a real dead chicken on camera. “I wasn’t very keen on that,” she concedes. “Paul gave me a whacking great knife — twice the size of Crocodile’ Dundee’s, knife— and said, ‘Cut the head off the chicken.’ I told him, I can’t do that.’ I just cut it gently down the middle. He said, ‘That’s no good. You must look like you’ve done it all your life.’ So I finally did cut the head off. It was a touch of the Tom Savini there.” A popular genre figure in Europe and Japan, Naschy has yet to conquer the more demanding American market, his voice will subsequently be dubbed by an American actor. This unusual production problem created an awkward acting situation for Munro, who performed her part with her normal British accent, at Naschy’s instruction. “It was a bit more difficult than I was used to, but that made it more of a challenge,” she notes. "Most of the master shots were done over Paul’s shoulder, showing me speaking. Some of the time, he was actually speaking Spanish. Because I understand Spanish fairly well and I knew the intention of the scenes, I could tell what he was saying and when it was time for me to speak. “I was nervous at first, because Paul is a foreboding-looking fellow with a great deal of energy. He is very intense in his work, very European in his approach, with extraordinarily piercing eyes. But he was exactly right for his character. Once we began working together, I found him quite easy to get on with.” Naschy even allowed Munro to rewrite her own dialogue. “I’m hopeless at writing,” she maintains. “But the script left something to be desired, because it was translated too literally from Spanish to though three of his films were released here theatrically in the mid- 1970s by Sam Sherman’s Independent-International Pictures and several of his other movies are currently available on home video. To facilitate American distribution, Naschy shot The Howl of the Devil since he doesn’t speak the language, he delivered his dialogue phonetically, and English. Many of the lines were archaic and ungrammatical. So I rewrote my dialogue to make it more conversational. I offered to help rewrite the rest of the dialogue as well, but Paul didn’t want to confuse the other actors.” Adding her creative input in such a manner is a new occurrence for Munro, who previously would passively accept her scenes as written, regardless of any misgivings. “That comes with experience,” she observes. “You learn what you will or won’t do in a scene. There are certain things I won’t do. Generally, there isn’t much substance to the characters in most genre movies, unless you create some for yourself. Now, I feel I’m in a position — at my age — to be thinking more about characterization.” Munro, satisfied with her Spanish sojourn, believes The Howl of the Devil will spotlight a more self-confident side of her acting personality. “I won’t say I enjoyed every minute,” she acknowledges, “but I was certainly kept on my toes. I hope people will see more range from me as an actress than they’ve seen before. I had to extend myself more in the role. I had some initial reservations, but everything felt right while we were making it. There was nothing about my scenes that offended me. Of course, I don’t know how the finished film will turn out, but for my part, I’m really pleased I did it.” Completing her Howl of the Devil role in 12 shooting days over a three-week period, Munro next flew to Geneva, Switzerland to star in the unusual industrial show The New Travels of Marco Polo. While in Geneva, she was contacted by director Jess Franco, offering her a leading role in his latest thriller Faceless. Filmed in and around Paris during November and December of 1987, Faceless (a.k.a. Les Predators de la Nuit) revives the moribund subgenre of surgical atrocity movies initiated in 1959 by Georges Franju’s classic Eyes Without A Face (a.k.a. The Horror Chamber of Dr. Faustus) and imitated by Franco’s own The Awful Dr. Orloff in 1961. The first feature produced by Rene Chateau, France’s leading video distributor, Faceless boasts an impressive international cast including Helmut Berger, Telly Savalas, Anton Diffring, Chris Mitchum and 79-year-old Howard Vernon , reprising his tireless Dr. Orloff persona. Jacques (Lifeforce) Gastineau provides graphic makeup FX. Doubling as screenwriter under the pseudonym “Fred Castle,” Chateau personally chose Munro, having seen her work in Starcrash and Maniac, which he released on video in France. In a resonant bit of casting, she plays jet-set American model Barbara Hallen, whose mysterious disappearance motivates the entire storyline. Kidnapped from a modeling session by actress Brigitte Lahaie (France’s most notorious porno queen in a rare mainstream role), Barbara is brought to a fashionable health farm run by sinister plastic surgeon Doctor Flamand (Berger), who constantly requires fresh blood and organs with which to rejuvenate his chic clientele. 

Aided by ex-Nazi scientist Juan Moser (Diffring), Flamand plans to graft Barbara’s exquisite face onto his horribly disfigured sister, until a savage assault renders her skin unusable. Meanwhile, alarmed by his daughter’s inexplicable absence, New York millionaire Terry Hallen (Savalas) sends Vietnam-veteran-turned-private-detective Morgan (Mitchum) to Paris to discover her whereabouts. As Morgan’s investigation draws him closer to the truth, Flamand and his sadistic henchman Gordon sharpen their chainsaws and drills for the inevitably gruesome final confrontation.

Chiefly confined to a padded cell in an actual clinic undergoing renovation, Munro spends most of her screen time in a short white hospital smock. As her character recovers from her brutal attack, she is repeatedly injected with debilitating drugs, hastening her mental and physical deterioration. Abdicating her reluctant glamor image with a vengeance, Munro had no qualms about appearing progressively more disheveled. “I wanted to look as extreme as I could get,” she insists. “In fact, I encouraged them to make me look worse. It actually helped me as an actress. The worse I looked and felt, the better my performance.

When I was crying, my tears were real. I didn’t need glycerine, because I felt truly degraded. It had to be that way, it was so important to see the change in Barbara— to show the glamorous, confident, attractive woman at the beginning, and the poor, sad, pathetic creature at the end. Otherwise, the film wouldn’t work.”

Responsive to the actress’ concerns. Franco thoughtfully decided to shoot Munro’s unpleasant scenes in reverse order. “That way, I could look forward to feeling clean,” she points out. “It was a good method, because I hated being so dirty. I had grease in my hair. I really looked a mess. But it felt absolutely right for the part. “In fact, I looked almost too convincing,” Munro smiles. “At one point, I was walking down the back stairs at the clinic, wearing only a little white smock. I was made up with a bloody cut on my face. One of the real nurses saw me and exclaimed, ‘Oh, mon Dieu! What happened?’ She thought I had really been injured. Many of the actual patients gave me very funny looks. I should think it put them off going back to that clinic.”

Jess Franco, according to Munro, proved to be a surprisingly careful and considerate filmmaker. “I had never heard of Jess before, but I enjoyed working with him very much,” Munro remarks. “I trusted him and felt confident with him. He speaks very good English. I could ask him questions, and he would help me. He has a great sensitivity with actors. He understood how we felt and gave us encouragement.”

A former model herself, Munro easily mastered the American accent she delivers in Faceless. “It’s better than the American accent I did in Slaughter High,” she comments, “because I’ve had more experience at it. But it’s still quite a soft American accent, since the character has been living and working in Europe, and that has affected the way she speaks. I suppose it’s more of a mid-Atlantic accent. I just hope people won’t assume I’ve been dubbed by an American actress again.”

Finishing her Faceless fright fest after three hectic weeks in France, Munro next appeared in her first TV movie, Maigret. Directed by Paul (Prom Night) Lynch, the film is based on a popular series of mystery novels by Georges Simenon. Munro portrays Carolyn Pace, power hungry secretary to scheming American millionaire Patrick O’Neal.

“I just want to be a working actress,” she says, then pauses to reflect on her future plans. “Frankly, I never thought of myself any other way. I’ve never wanted the huge success that other people have wanted for me. I’m very happy doing smaller films. “Without shouting to the whole world, I can push myself quite far within these roles and not be looked at too critically,” Munro decides. “The success or failure of these movies is not on my shoulders. Each one’s just another acting experience for me. And I find I get better with each new experience; I’m still learning my craft all the time.”

[princesscas]

Happy Valentine’s Day! To celebrate, here’s some amazing destiel fanfics that I recommend! Under the cut is over 50 fanfics, some are AU and some are canon. Mostly AU because that’s what I mainly read.  All of these fanfics are over 10k, so no one shot’s. I might make a one shot/under 10k reclist later maybe? If anyone’s interesting in that let me know :D 

Happy Valentine’s day, Dean and Cas are in love <3 

♥ = My all time fave 

* = Recently added

*What Happens In Vegas (Canon AU) -  Words: 12,188 - “Dean wakes up with a wedding ring and without a clue where he is."

Down Like Water (Canon AU) ♥ - Words: 14,512 - “There's no time for nerves, no time for second guessing. There's only right now, and right now he has Cas."

Everytown, USA (AU) ♥  - Words: 56,972 - “Dean's determined not to stay in one place for long--he's enjoying his new-found freedom too much. Castiel might be the one to make him stick around.“

Preacher Comfort (AU)  ♥  - Words: 42,799 - “Dean Winchester works as a nurse at an after-hours medical clinic. He's a champion at what he does, but for him, professionalism has its pitfalls: good-looking patients make him flustered. Luckily, his fly-by-night infatuation evaporates within minutes, since most patients only swing by once. Castiel (fondly known as Bee Sting Guy around the clinic) is one of those iniquitously handsome fellows – and he keeps coming back. He's also a Catholic priest, 94% asexual, and in need of the tender love that happens to be Dean's speciality.”

Hope on Fire (AU) - Words:  32,968 - “The Civil War ended, but left Castiel weighted down with guilt and shame. In an attempt to start over, he moves West, building a life for himself outside the small mountain town of Purgatory. Five years later a storm blows in, bringing the Winchester brothers and bitter memories along with it.”

Heartburn (AU)  ♥ - Words: 51,941 - “Dean Winchester, a certified Burn RN, is one of the most dedicated employees the St. Devic Hospital has and today is no different. But when his patient expectantly goes into cardiac arrest and needs to be transferred to the heart hospital floor under the care of one Doctor Novak, Dean can’t help but feel his patient isn’t the only one who’s going to have to get his heart under control.”

Mistakes Are Better When They're French (French Mistake AU) ♥  - Words:  21,791 - “Number One: Dean would definitely never appear on a soap opera. Number Two: Dean Winchester did not wear makeup. And Number Three: He was not gay! God, Cas, whoever was listening - Please get them the hell out of here. “

The Day I Fly Away (AU) - Words:  42,846 - “In which Castiel is schizophrenic and loves to play Sorry. Dean is his doctor. "Tell me yours." "Mine?" "Your story." "I don't like my story."

Kingdom Come (AU) - Words:  97,700 - “Dean’s life is all work. He’s either at the bar that’s been left to him, serving drinks and cooking with his friend and partner Benny, or tinkering with prosthetic limbs. The rest of his life is one unhappy mess after another. Finding a stranger in the bathroom of his bar, after hours, doesn’t necessarily improve anything.“ This fic has been deleted but on the destielfanfic post is an EPUB download link. 

What I Need (AU)  ♥ - Words: 46,998 - “ A joking phrase commonly heard between a surgeon and his tech is "Give me what I need, not what I ask for." Dr. Novak and his tech Dean will soon learn the impact this phrase has on life outside the operating room.“

Unknown Quantities (AU) - Words: 8,568 - “No one ever tells Dean anything.(or: Dean Winchester and the not-relationship crisis of 2014)”

Misha's Not in Vancouver Anymore (Canon AU) ♥  - Words: 74,129 - “An accident on set results in Misha ending up in the SPN!Verse and stuck with a confused and irritated Dean Winchester. Dean, Sam, and Castiel have to work together to find a way to send him back. Misha's cheekiness brings to light the things that Dean only ever thinks about in the space between waking and dreaming.”

Ghost Dance (AU) - Words: 51,194 -  “In post-apocalyptic isolation, Castiel nurses Dean back to something like his former self, but will a time come when Dean's recovered --and rediscovered-- too much?“

Waves (College AU) - Words: 54,132 - “Dean Winchester is the average guy: football, college, kid brother, nice car, girls and beer; his life is black and white, that is until he meets Castiel Collins: pretentious, slutty, sweater-wearing genius, who won't even take the time to look up at him from his obscure novel while he insults him. And then everything is shades of gray and Dean is drowning.”

Jump The Track (HS AU) - Words: 83,180 -  "t's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.”

I Like You (Like Me) (Coffee Shop AU) - Words: 11,195 - “Dean’s the owner of his own pretty successful coffee shop, and he’s absolutely, totally not in love with the hot accountant guy who comes in every day. He’s way out of his league. Isn’t he?”

Bottoms Up (Canon) - Words: 28,103 - “Sam could’ve kissed them both when he got to the bunker one day to find a string of clothing (his heart nearly burst with hope when he saw the abandoned flannel and trench coat) leading to a very naked pile of limbs tangled on the couch. Just kidding. Of course it wasn’t the couch. Sam always imagined it as the couch because the fact that he actually found them on the dining room table had tainted the happiness of the memory.”

A Need For Breathing (Canon AU) ♥ - Words: 27,687 - “When Dean and Castiel reunite at the bunker, Cas has a nasty case of pneumonia and Dean takes care of him.(Slight AU set early season 9 in which "Ezekiel" healed Sam without possessing him)” 

Absolution (Canon AU, NSFW) - Words: 15,032 - “Sam and Cas need to figure out how to rid Dean of the Mark of Cain and do it fast. Dean wants Cas to kill him, but Castiel, Warrior of God, has some history in helping humans find absolution. The question is, will it be enough?”

Carry On (AU, NSFW) ♥ ♥ ♥ - Words: 148,000 - “When Sam gets into Stanford, Dean needs a bigger paycheck than Bobby’s garage can give him. Luckily, he knows a guy.” *This fic has been deleted from AO3 however in the link there is an EPUB download* 

Après (Canon) - Words: 24,045 - “When the angels stop falling and Castiel makes his way out of the trees, he finds himself alone and oceans away from the Winchesters. For once, Dean flies to him.“

The Summer Holds A Song (We Might Sing Forever) (AU) - Words: 10,769 - “When Castiel Elkan rents John Winchester's beach house for the summer, all he's looking for is a quiet place to write. From the moment he lays eyes on John's teenage son, he knows his chances of staying free from distraction are nil.“

Do What Feels Good (Canon AU, NSFW) - Words: 12,572 - “Castiel learns to love alone time in the shower. And then he learns to share.“

Santorum Will Pry My Porn From My Cold Dead Hands (AU) ♥  - Words: 41,725 - “AU President Santorum bans all pornography, and Dean decides to start his very own prohibition racket. Unfortunately, the only person he can find to 'perform' is Castiel.  

Have Love, Will Travel (AU) ♥ - Words:  94,054 - “Castiel Novak is a reclusive writer with a childhood so tragic it's left him terrified to leave his home—until his overbearing brother, Gabriel, drags him out for a night on the town full of booze and strip clubs, and he encounters Dean Winchester, a mesmerizing and mysterious stripper with secrets of his own. Both men find themselves inexplicably drawn to each other, and soon Dean's private dances for Castiel become much more, as both men confess their troubles and find solace in each other's company. But neither can seem to find the courage to take their relationship further than the intimacy of the club's VIP Room—and just when Dean's own brother gives him the excuse he needs to finally admit his feelings, Dean discovers something that brings it all crumbling down. Will they find a way past their demons and their trust issues, and back to each other?“

All In (HS AU) - Words: 12,672 - ““Are you staying for dinner, Cas?” Mary asked. Cas and the Winchester boys sat at the kitchen table doing homework, Dean and Cas working more side-by-side than together since they only shared one class.Castiel glanced at Dean and Dean spoke up for both of them. “Definitely.” he said.Mary went about her business finishing dinner preparations and when she was safely away from the table, Dean leaned over to Cas. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I thought we could maybe say something about us tonight.”Cas started to snap back, but closed his mouth when Mary came near to get something from the refrigerator. He watched her warily until she went back to the counter. “I don’t know, Dean.”“It won’t be a big deal, I swear.”“You said your dad-” Cas cut off again, this time because Sam’s eager head popped up, ready to listen.” 

Control (AU, NSFW) - Words: 10,976 - “After Dean spanks Castiel over his desk for making a typing mistake, he then makes him pull down his trousers and fucks him."

A Movie Marathon, Captain Morgan and Sweet Dreams - What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (HS AU) - Words: 15,251 - “Dean Winchester, 18 years old, enjoys the last weeks of his senior year in high school with his best friend, the shy, dark haired Castiel, before finally reaching summer break. When John Winchester goes for a hunting trip with Uncle Bobby over the weekend and Sammy stays the night at a friend's house, Dean seizes the oppurtunity and invites his best friend over for a movie marathon night, expecting, as always, an awesome time with Cas. Well, he get's his fun - he just certainly had not expected it to come along like /that/.“ 

Crawl (AU) - Words: 10,961 - “It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him.“I shoot guns. I beat up monsters. I fix cars, Cas.”“I guess I should have done something worse to yours than hide the distributor cap, then.”

Professional Couple Only (Canon) ♥ - Words: 37,153 - “There's a haunted apartment building in Vermont, and the ad says "Professional couple only". Dean and Cas rise to the occasion.“

Dean Winchester, Straight Shooter (AU, NSFW) ♥ - Words: 15,550 - “Dean Winchester, star of StraightShooter.com, is a gay-for-pay porn star with a huge following. Cas Novak signs on to do a scene with him, even though he dislikes "straight" porn stars on principle. But Dean is more complicated than he first appears, and after inadvertently learning his secrets, Cas finds himself falling for him.“ 

I Don't Want to Go Back Alone (AU) - Words: 12,695 - Dean is the new kid, Castiel is blind. Romantic angst and fluff ensues. (Based on the short film, "Eu Não Quero Voltar Sozinho")

The Silence Between Heartbeats (Canon AU) - Words: 32,204 - “Fic that replaces Carmen with Cas. And then, when Dean wakes up and he meets Cas for the first time he freaks out because it's the only man he's ever loved and he's so confused as to how he can be real when he obviously had to be something the djinn created.” 

A Room Of One's Own (AU) ♥ - Words:  94,118 - “All Dean wants is a little privacy. Cas doesn't understand.“ 

Sweaters & Cigarettes (HS AU) ♥ ♥ ♥ - Words: 150,00 - “Dean Winchester is in high school, crushing hard on Castiel Novak, the unbelievably hot goth who Dean does his very best to convince himself he hates, despite the fact that he can’t really stop staring at him. Dean tries, but when the two of them finally cross paths, their first conversation takes a surprising turn. And suddenly, they both find themselves falling harder and faster than they ever could have expected.“ *This fic has been deleted from AO3 however I have an EPUB copy, if you want it just message me and I can email you it* 

Impossibly, We've Already Caught Fire (AU) - Words: 25,059 - “After a fire ravages his apartment, nurse Dean Winchester moves in with his best friend.”

It's Only Love We're Falling In (AU) ♥ - Words: 18,779 - “Castiel is a nurse. Dean isn’t a very pleasant person. Castiel and Dean don’t get along at first, then, naturally, like in most romantic comedies, things happen. Like unwillingly falling in love.”

The Laundromat 'Verse (AU) - Words: 48,939 - “Dean runs a laundromat. The punk kids come to him for all their clothing repair needs.That includes their bad boy ringleader, Castiel.”

I Wanna See Your Animal Side (Canon) - Words: 18,554 - “Dean gets attached to a dark-haired, blue-eyed kitten. He hates cats, so he can't really say why.”

Muscle Memory (AU) - Words: 18,916 - “Dear Castiel, Hello – it’s Castiel. This must all seem very confusing, and I’m sorry for that. Dean says to tell you that this isn’t some kind of ‘time-travel stunt’, although I’m sure that won’t be your first thought. I know it wasn’t mine. I’ve told Dean to leave now, as this is my notebook and I want everything in it to come from me – or rather, from you. I know you think it's the fifteenth of January, 2010, but it isn't. At the time of my writing this, the date is the fourth of October, 2013. Dean Winchester is your boyfriend of a year and a half, and you no longer work at the library, and in early 2010 you were hit by a car and hospitalised. I’m sorry.”

A World Above Water (AU) - Words: 35,187 - “Castiel’s hope for freedom is threatened by a chance encounter with the Crowned Prince of Lawrence, who is trying to avoid an arranged marriage”

To Find A Family (AU) - Words: 26,434 - “When Dean's little brother gets taken away, he's expecting the fight that ensues. He's expecting the stress that comes from separation, expecting to do all he can to get Sammy back from whatever awful foster family he's been placed with. He's not expecting Castiel Novak.(Castiel, in turn, isn't expecting his first foster child - five years old and angry - to be the one that leads him to the family he's always wanted, but life has a funny way of working itself out)”

Shorten the Distance (AU) - Words: 43,034 - “ Nerdytr3nchcoat" and "Impala67" weren't looking for romance on the dating website called 'dateangels.com'. Castiel was looking for friends and Dean was just looking to get his nagging brother off his back. What they didn't expect to find was each other.“

Learning Curve (AU) - Words: 37,853 - “Dean is a pre-school teacher and Castiel Novak is his new student's intriguing guardian. They both know the sacrifices that come with caring for others, but, over time, they learn what it means to want something for themselves.  

The Breath Of All Things (AU) - Words:  65,409 - “Dean Winchester was twenty-six years old when a car accident killed his father and left him paralysed from the waist down. A year and a half later, Dean is in a wheelchair and lives in a care home in Kansas, where he spends his days waiting to die. It's only when Castiel Novak starts volunteering at the care home that Dean starts to wonder if a changed life always equals a ruined one.“

Cooking With Gas ‘Verse (AU) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ - Words: 217,460 - “Castiel Novak has it all. He's rich, famous, has a top rated cooking show and restaurant, drives an expensive car and wears Armani. His producer throws a contest to spend a day with Chef Novak, cooking and learning techniques. Castiel wants no part of it, but Balthazar insists and Castiel will do as expected. What Castiel wasn't expecting was to fall head over heels for the winner. Dean Winchester hasn't had a successful relationship in his 34 years on Earth. He's got a past he'd like to keep hidden, and his life rotates around his family and his business. Winning a contest to spend a day with his favorite TV chef is a shock, but a welcome diversion from his day to day life...until he meets the guy, and he turns out to be a big jerk. Dean figures he should have expected that. What he wasn't expecting was that same gorgeous blue-eyed man to sweep in and shake up his entire world.” *To this day, this is my #1 favorite long AU destiel fic out there* 

Don't Let it Burn (AU) - Words: 86,383 - “Cas and Dean have been through much together; they got married, expanded their businesses, dealt with health scares and the ups and downs of making a relationship work. Now expecting their first child, life is busy and happy for both of them. Cas is invited to be part of a new show on Food Network. He and several other chefs, including up and comer John Bartholomew, are the judges for a new high-stakes competition show. He’s flying to New York a lot, while Dean holds down the fort back in Kansas. Dean’s a pretty happy guy these days. He’s given Benny more control of Winchester and Sons, in preparation for cutting his hours back when the baby comes. There are new babies in their extended family and Ben’s on the Dean’s list at Stanford, really, things couldn't be better. One drunk driver, and tragedy hits the Winchesters hard. Dean’s entire world is upended in one night, and he needs Cas more than ever, but Cas is in New York more and more, leaving Dean to deal with the situation in Kansas. He’s falling apart, slowly but surely, close to the edge and about to tumble over, and Dean can't help but wonder if anyone will be left to catch him when he inevitably falls.”

Any Little Heartbreak (AU) ♥ - Words: 76,897 - “Dean Winchester knows everything there is to know about the human heart.Well.Anatomically speaking.”

Life In Pink (AU)  ♥ - Words: 25,174 - “At just 33 years old, Dean Winchester is one of the most sought-after wedding planners in the city. He’s chased his dream ever since he was a kid and is now on the brink of making partner at his firm. But the wedding that’ll make or break his promotion? Is his best friend Dr. Castiel Novak’s. It’s going to be the event of the season - unlimited budget, no expense spared - and it’s the kind of task that Dean has been waiting for… except he’s hopelessly in love with Cas.“ 

Unfold Your Love (AU) - Words: 35,476 - “This is the story of how a cop and an ER doc meet and fall in love.”

P A R A N O V A K (AU) - Words: 20,618 - “Castiel has always been a sad, “not quite right” young boy, at least according to Aunt Naomi. Ever since his Father abandoned them for “God’s work”, and his Mother killed herself shortly after, Castiel has been struggling to connect to the living…and finding it too easy to connect to the dead. Milton, Castiel’s home, crawls with ghosts and lost souls - not even his own home is free of them! Seeing ghosts has always been a part of him, and he wouldn’t give up his power for anything, but it doesn’t become a problem until he meets young, troubled Dean Winchester.“ 

Breaking Seals with Body Counts (AU) - Words: 35,197 - “Dean was chasing a murderer, chasing the man Castiel Novak was rumored to be indebted to, partnered with, and with so many shadows lurking in darkness, questions unanswered, psychopaths amuck, surprises looming every which way, being in love was the last of Dean's priorities, and the first of his worries. Dean had broken a few rules over time, to get where he was, but he'd never ached so much to destroy all the real work he'd done, and never yearned for an act so atrocious as slipping into Castiel, a suspected criminal and residential asshole, and letting his skin and mouth become Dean's own drug and dealer, especially with such enemies waiting to strike down on him and Castiel with a fury like they'd never seen before, bigger than the both of them. And this was only the beginning.“ 

A Batch Made in Heaven (AU) ♥ - Words: 23,119 - “When the rich Castiel Novak buys half of Dean’s bakery, he knows things aren’t going to work out. Castiel comes in with a plan to change nearly everything that makes A Batch Made in Heaven Dean’s, and while Dean resists at first, he soon realizes that maybe Castiel isn’t everything he’s taken him to be.“ 

Dead Things and Washing Machines (Canon) - Words: 26,114 - “Sam is sick and, despite Dean’s strict no-research-rule, finds a case. It’s like these cases sneak up on them when they least expect it. Dean says the hunt can wait; but, Sam doesn’t think that’s the wisest decision so he calls Cas to work the hunt with Dean.Dean and Cas drive out only to find that the motels are all full; so, they end up in a one-bedroom/one-bath condo, sharing a bed and reveling in the stylish, fully-furnished, khaki-pants lifestyle.Hunts don’t pause or slow down; they’re fast-paced and brutal. Dean and Cas’ relationship takes equal turns at both.”

A Winter's Tale (Canon AU) - Words: 64,316 - “Cas is sick and Dean finds a journal that Cas kept about his time alone as a human”

Plus One (AU) ♥  - Words:  90,872 - “Castiel Novak might have to attend three weddings in two months, but he’s not about to let his brother play matchmaker. His family’s Internet streaming company is too important to let a relationship steal his time, but he knows exactly what to do–hire someone to pretend to be his boyfriend.Dean Winchester has worked five-star hospitality long enough to know how to fit in with Castiel’s crowd, and this job could score him the connections to make his acting career take off. It’s a business deal, no matter how they’re drawn to each other. When the lines of their contract start to blur into real feelings, can they withstand Castiel’s family and jealous fans working to split them up?”

Bandaged and Bruised, I'd Still Pick You (AU) - Words: 12,398 - “Cas is a paramedic with a tragic past. Five years ago he lost a patient on the job and never fully recovered from the emotional trauma it caused. He's become an expert at pushing the feelings aside, but Cas's past comes back to haunt him when he saves his lost patient's brother from a car wreck. When the two men fall for one another, both of them learn how to patch old wounds and find new life with each other.”

Touch My Scars Away (Canon AU) - Words: 18,449 - “Dean Winchester has spent a life hunting, so it was only a matter of time before he ended up with an injury he couldn't handle on his own. Settling in at Bobby's, Dean undergoes surgery and the subsequent physical therapy required to get back to his life and his job. His physical therapist, Castiel Novak, however, challenges everything Dean had ever believed about himelf: his sexuality, his lifestyle, even his devotion to hunting. Cas's healing hands may heal more than just Dean's bad knee.“

Will You Wait Until Tomorrow (AU) - Words: 28,731 - “Castiel just got the all clear — testicular cancer has left him with scars, mental and physical, but it won’t mean his life. Now comes the task of putting himself back together and realizing he’s not worthless just because a part of him is missing. With the encouragement of his wife, Tessa, he seeks out the help of a sexual surrogate.“

On Drowning (Canon AU) - Words: 28,731 - “The absolute last thing Dean would ever admit, after saving Cas' life, is that it was all thanks to the unhealthy amount of time he spent reading about drowning on Wikipedia.Not that he's not grateful, but what he really needs is an instruction manual for everything that comes after.”

The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Chlamydia (AU) - Words: 89,337 - “Dean doesn't expect to see his one night stand again, but then again he also doesn't expect to find out he has an STD. Sometimes life is hilarious like that.“

How I Want to Go (AU) ♥ - Words: 110,064 - “The one where Cas has cancer but he isn't telling anyone about it, especially not his gorgeous new boyfriend, Dean Winchester, or his useless but well-meaning brother, Gabe. Anything but resigned, Cas is determined not to let his diagnosis govern his life.”

An Exercise In 'Worthless' (AU) - Words: 26,547 - "I mean, you’re–” He gestures at Cas, in his neat oxford shirt and nice pants. “–and I’m a high school dropout who tattoos for a living.“

Good Things Do Happen, Dr. Sexy Edition (AU) - Words: 110,526 - “Dean has hit rock-bottom when he wakes up from a coma after causing an accident while driving drunk. He doesn’t see that it's rock-bottom, though. He believes he's still in free-fall because the darkness that has killed John Winchester and has almost claimed Dean’s life, too, is all he can see. But then Dr. Novak steps into his life, a guiding light in Dean’s darkest hour, and no one can blame him if he notices just how attractive the doctor is. If it only weren’t for the problem that he’s falling hard for this man, which will most certainly lead to a broken heart and more whiskey. Because that’s what happens when a washed up drunk like Dean Winchester falls for a doctor who is sexier than Dr. Sexy. Or isn’t it? Then there are also Dr. Novak’s brother Gabriel, who isn’t ashamed of watching Dr. Sexy, and Balthazar, who has a tendency to blurt out the most inappropriate comments at the most inopportune times. And of course don't forget the issue of family. Because Sammy is in Stanford and better off without Dean. And Dean is happy for him, he really is, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hurt. Or that it doesn’t have to be dealt with if Dean really wants to take up the fight and heal.”

Somebody to Love (AU) - Words: 11,109 - “Dean wakes up in an alley after a bar fight with no memory of the actual fight. When a handsome stranger comes to his rescue, Dean’s torn between being wary and being grateful. But fortunately, Castiel knows what he’s doing. Even if it originally doesn’t necessarily seem that way.”

Your Name is Castiel (AU) - Words: 10,310 - “Yellow walls or blue walls. Yellow walls or blue walls. Yellow walls or blue walls.”

Paradise (AU, NSFW) - Words: 13,857 - “Maybe next time, Castiel would ask his realtor what kind of house he was moving into before a green-eyed, half naked man showed up on his doorstep with cake.Or, wherein Castiel accidently moves in next door to a porn studio.”

Carried Away (AU) - Words: 81,529 - “Living in New York City, Dean Winchester's life consists of working as a pediatric nurse, leaving little room for free time. His best friend and roommate, Castiel Novak, happens to be a surgical resident at the same hospital that Dean works at. Even though they see a lot of each other, the two of them have learned to coexist with ease.When the annual fundraising gala becomes the talk of the hospital, it only makes sense for both of them to pretend they're together to kill two birds with one stone. The gossip about them finally stops, and no one tries to set them up with a date for the gala. It's easy enough for Dean and Castiel to act like a couple at first. However, they each end up getting more than they signed up for as the line dividing what's fake and what's real between them blurs.”

Further Adventures (AU) - Words: 38,028 - “Cas regards him with that level gaze. “So you’d be the submissive one.”Dean flushes. “Um, yeah.”“Hmm,” Cas says.”

300 Things (Podfic link) (AU)  ♥ - Words: 76,500 - “Dean’s life at twenty-four makes him feel like he’s forty—he works two jobs to help pay bills for his house and put his genius little brother through private school, and has spent six years (on and off, let’s be honest) working on his mechanical engineering degree at KU. With so much of his life devoted to his family, Dean has little time in his schedule for class and no time for social interaction. Then, while getting his classes together for the fall, he finds himself in a do-or-die situation: He must take his last literature class now, his spring already filled with those left for his major…except that none of the English classes will fit his schedule.” I think this fic is deleted but I have an EPUB file if you would like it!

Jeté (AU) - Words: 10,848 - “Castiel has been photographing their ballet company for two years now and he and Dean have barely exchanged six words, and yet somehow when Dean breaks his leg, it's Castiel who takes him home from the hospital and takes care of him.”

Salvation (AU) - Words: 99,719 - “Dean is an honorably discharged marine who lives in celibacy because celibacy is better than the alternative.Castiel is a well renowned doctor who has suffered through enough death for a lifetime.Before all this, Dean and Castiel were "the real thing", according to everyone around them. Then life happened and they were screwed out of everything.Now, ten years later, Dean and Cas see each other again and they have to face everything holding them apart.”

Unsolicited (AU) - Words: 56,274 - “In which Dean Winchester gets an unsolicited dick pic from an unknown sender which is both totally not disappointing in that it's a really nice dick pic, and incredibly disappointing in that it's clearly a downloaded picture of his favorite porn star.There's absolutely no way it's actually this porn star sending it to him, right?Right?”

Sex 101, or: That Time Castiel Asked Dean to Teach Him How to Have Sex (Canon AU, NSFW) - Words: 50,215 - “'I want to have sex,' Castiel announces suddenly.Dean chokes on his gulp of Baja Blast."***Wherein Dean teaches Cas how to have sex, and Cas teaches Dean why to have sex.”

Deactivated (AU) - Words: 23,676 - “The morning after his scene with Dean, Castiel wakes up to the realization that he has made a massive mistake.”

Breathe Lightly (AU) *MCD* ♥ - Words: 28,561 - "To my first love, and my last, Dean Winchester. These are the things I want to tell you: the human body is 60% water. The number of neurons in one person is the rough equivalent of the number of stars in a small galaxy. There is 0.2 milligrams of gold in your blood. The heart is an elaborate engine. I love you."

SextersAnon.com (AU) *Dom/Sub* ♥ - Words: 169,136 - “After years of self-imposed celibacy, Castiel Novak decides to seek an anonymous sexual partner to engage in long-distant text-based activities. Things get personal quickly, though...”

Something by the Sea (Canon) - Words: 30,700 - “After suffering the horrific cost of being cured from demonhood, Dean and Cas settle down in the small town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, buying a run-down shack near the beach to call their own. Dean attempts to get into a normal routine– fixing up the kitchen, chopping wood for the fire, and picking out paint colors– all with the pleasant backdrop of Cas’s company and a beach fifty feet away. These things prove themselves to be fragile, however, and the past haunts Dean in the form of nightmares and strange phone-calls from an untraceable number, along with the far-from-innocent history of their new house.“

Just Pretending (AU) - Words:  41,752 - “A cool job, a nice apartment, a hot girlfriend. Dean had it all. And lost everything. That’s when he gets the chance to be featured in an article in the famous magazine “Heaven on Earth” and reside in a luxury hotel for four weeks. And win a shit ton of money. The catch: it’s only for married couples. And because Dean’s life is a disaster the only person who is willing to play along and marry him is the person who despises him the most. But playing Couple with Cas Novak for a month can’t be that hard, can it?”

Let This Remain (AU) - Words:  63,082 - “Dean Winchester dropped his little brother Sam off for his freshman year of college, then dropped out of his life completely. Now, nearly a year later, Dean's gotten himself together and is back in Lawrence to make things right with his brother. As he works to build his life in Kansas, Dean finds himself repeatedly crossing paths with Castiel Milton. Maybe the universe is trying to tell him something at a time when he's actually ready to listen.”

The Hands that Bind Me (Canon AU) - Words:  56,827 - “Dean is struggling with adjusting back into the civilized world after a year of fighting for his life in Purgatory. He's going to need some angelic assistance reining in his darker impulses.”

Your Very Own Doctor Sexy (AU) - Words: 51,294 - “It's an easy and average life for Dean Winchester. He worked hard, helped Sam and Ruby through law school while helping Bobby expand his garage. There isn't much to want until a car crash changes Dean down to the very core of who he thought he was. Working closely with the Novak brothers, all doctors, changes his life in a way he can't account for.”

* Sexiest Man Alive (AU) - Words: 24,017 - “Cas' struggles at dating actor Dean Winchester, as told through fights and longing, phone calls and memories.”

* Painted Angels (AU) ♥ - Words: 105,637 - “Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He's put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn't go like Cas hoped. Dean's a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing. Cas sees a second chance with the man he's never stopped loving, but Dean's moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a "brilliant" plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he'll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.“

That’s all the fics I have listed for now, i’ll add more fics in the future :D

[romaboehm698-blog]

Sustaining A Fuzzy Canine In your house.

If your house is one of the many, lots of homes in the United States that obtained a dog this Xmas you received a present that you and your family members are going to take pleasure in for a long times. When managers view that the groomer prepares to place their pet in an encased dryer, they need to be sure that the groomer checks on their pet - managers may also perform this on their own - which the clothing dryer really isn't set at a high temperature which this includes a cooking timer. The third mistake a groomer devotes is connected to the 1st: leaving behind the pet dog unattended. Pet dog food items providers are effortless to come by if you are actually explore different kinds of pet meals as well as are actually not concentrating on a specific company of pet dog food.

Lawfully, in order for a canine to train as a company creature, the proprietor needs to have a documented handicap laid outed under the Americans along with Disabilities Action, the pet dog needs to be actually trained to assist its own trainer with the disability and also the solution creature can't disrupt its own atmosphere, according to Having said that, the ADA doesn't need solution animals to be officially accredited, which is actually likely portion of why there really isn't adequate mistake. I left the shop, lifted the hatch on the back of Mel's Sport Utility Vehicle, and also put the pet in. She went property with our team. An additional successful pet dog rescue! They are likewise not made use of to being around young children, and also I understand my male Doberman is actually dog threatening.

I perform CERTAINLY NOT care exactly what any sort of police, or even his wife, or even whatever thinks of this. I firmly believe that any sort of cop who shoots any type of pet dog that had not been when tearing physical nature off of either the cop in question, or another person, is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MUCH MORE THAN an illegal, as well as a FIERCE lawbreaker at that. Parents possess 2 possibilities where to buy a Webkinz or even Lil' Kinz, either a local area retail toy retail store or on-line toy retail store. Although, a lot of dog owners would certainly never ever perform anything purposefully to harm their pet, their lack from nutritional understanding is actually leading to several severe health and also skin complications for the family pet. Pet Instruction should pay attention to the private character from the canine to attain results. I got her trained manually signals and also needs to be actually the gentalest loving pet i have ever before seen. Clinical depression, loneliness, as well as anxiety have a tendency to lessen in the existence of a solution pet. I like this lense - we possessed a pet and he had the weirdest name - Slyvester, just considering that he used to chase after the rats and mice as well as keep them away from your house (unusual i recognize!). Consistently go with the internet family pet supplies going shopping experience as it is going to aid you spare a great deal of loan, time and power. This makes me remember Sam Walton's dog's name. Ol' roy which he looked to the Walmart company canine food items. The down payment for the canine was $400 as well as the dealer told Colleen the pug would be weaned coming from its mom by Jan Once you possess a dog that is counting on a clutter, you could even produce a waiting checklist of people to contact when the new puppies are actually born. This Sunday he will http://health-strenght1017.info certainly be taking on about 60 other pets in the 5th yearly Loews Coronado Gulf Resort Surf Pet competition in Imperial Beach which marks the begin of the pet dog surfing time. Este tipo de documentos, aunque sí se pueden indexar, no están en los motores de búsqueda porque en ocasiones puede haber varias páginas iguales, pero con pequeños cambios, y las arañas web quedan atrapadas en ellos.

[stephenmccull]

Pandemic-Stricken Cities Have Empty Hospitals, But Reopening Them Is Difficult

As city leaders across the country scramble to find space for the expected surge of COVID-19 patients, some are looking at a seemingly obvious choice: former hospital buildings, sitting empty, right downtown.

In Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Los Angeles, where hospitalizations from COVID-19 increase each day, shuttered hospitals that once served the city’s poor and uninsured sit at the center of a public health crisis that begs for exactly what they can offer: more space. But reopening closed hospitals, even in a public health emergency, is difficult.

Philadelphia, the largest city in America with no public hospital, is also the poorest. There, Hahnemann University Hospital shut its doors in September after its owner, Philadelphia Academic Health System, declared bankruptcy. While not public, the 496-bed safety-net hospital mainly treated patients on public insurance. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney began talks with the building’s owner, California-based investment banker Joel Freedman, as soon as his administration saw projections that the demand for hospital beds during the pandemic would outpace the city’s capacity. Not long after negotiations started, city officials announced the talks were going badly.

“Mr. Freedman was difficult to work with at times when he was the owner of the hospital, and he is still difficult to work with as the owner of the shuttered hospital,” said Brian Abernathy, who is Philadelphia’s managing director and heading the city’s COVID-19 response.

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In New Orleans, where the soaring COVID-19 infection rate is disproportionately high compared with its population, Charity Hospital sits vacant in the middle of town. The former public hospital never reopened after Hurricane Katrina in 2005. The Louisiana State University System, which owns the building, incorporated Charity Hospital into the city’s new medical center, but the original building remains vacant. Instead of using it during the pandemic, the New Orleans Convention Center is being converted to a “step-down” facility with the capacity to treat up to 2,000 patients after they no longer need critical care.

Elsewhere, city governments have struck deals with the owners of empty hospital buildings to lease their space. At St. Vincent Medical Center in Los Angeles, the city is paying $236 per night per bed, for a total of $2.6 million each month.

In Philadelphia, Freedman offered the Hahnemann building to the city for $27 per bed per night, plus taxes, maintenance and insurance, which the city would pay directly. All told, that added up to just over $900,000 per month.

“I think he is looking at how to turn an asset that is earning no revenue into an asset that earns some revenue, and isn’t thinking through what the impacts are on public health,” Abernathy said of Freedman. “I think he’s looking at this as a business transaction rather than providing an imminent and important aid to the city and our residents.”

This isn’t the first time Freedman has come under fire by Philadelphians for his handling of the hospital. Its closure sparked protests from city officials, health care unions, and even presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders. Critics speculated that Freedman, whose private equity firm bought the struggling hospital in 2018, didn’t try in earnest to save it and planned to flip it for its valuable downtown real estate. Notably, Hahnemann’s real estate was parsed out into a separate company, Broad Street Healthcare Properties, also owned by Freedman, and not included in Philadelphia Academic Health System’s Chapter 11 bankruptcy petition.

A representative for Freedman said the building has an interested buyer, and that is one reason Broad Street Healthcare will not let the city use the building at cost.

“We’re offering this facility because of the public benefit in a health crisis, but it comes at a cost to the property owner,” said Broad Street representative Sam Singer.

As urban hospitals have struggled in recent years, it’s become increasingly common for private equity to get involved: Big firms buy struggling medical centers with the promise of financial support and to improve their operations and business strategy. When things go right, the business succeeds, and the private equity firm sells it in a public offering or to another bidder for more than it paid.

In other cases, though, the firms load companies up with debt, take dividends out for themselves, sell off valuable real estate and charge fees and high-interest loans, leaving a company in a much weaker position than it would have been otherwise, and often on the verge of bankruptcy.

“The house never loses,” said Eileen Appelbaum, co-director at the Center for Economic and Policy Research. “The private equity firm makes money whether the company succeeds or it doesn’t.”

For instance, Steward Health Care was able to expand from its base in Massachusetts to a 36-hospital network nationwide with backing from Cerberus Capital Management. Now, said Appelbaum, the chain of community hospitals is stuck paying rent to Iasis, another private equity-owned company, on all its properties, while also struggling to stay in the black. The network announced last week it would furlough non-clinical workers across nine states because the requirement to cancel elective surgeries caused too great a financial strain.

Freedman’s private equity firm is called Paladin Healthcare, and it has previously bought and managed hospitals in California and Washington, D.C., where it helped the struggling Howard University Hospital out of the red. Paladin then sold the hospital to Adventist HealthCare last summer.

Urban hospitals like Hahnemann have struggled to stay afloat in recent years, in part due to their lack of privately insured patients. Hospitals often finance the care of uninsured patients or those on Medicaid by treating those with private insurance, which reimburses the hospitals faster and at a higher rate. At Hahnemann, two-thirds of patients were on Medicaid or Medicare. While a financially struggling public or nonprofit hospital might continue serving a poorer community, a for-profit hospital has different incentives, said Vickie Williams, a former law professor for Gonzaga University.

“If your urban hospital is purchased by a for-profit company and it doesn’t perform sufficiently, they don’t have the same necessarily mission-driven directives to keep that hospital functioning for the good of the community at a loss,” said Williams, who is now senior counsel for CommonSpirit Health in Tacoma, Washington.

Freedman has said that he tried to sell the Hahnemann property to a nonprofit and requested money from the city and state to keep it open, but neither option worked.

Following news that Philadelphia had abandoned negotiations with Freedman, calls to seize the property in order to save lives came pouring in, including from elected officials.

“Eminent Domain was created for situations like #Hahnemann,” City Council member Helen Gym wrote on Twitter. “This is a public health emergency and Philly is the largest city in the nation WITHOUT a public hospital. We cannot allow unconscionable greed to get in the way of saving lives. Eminent domain this property.” Legal experts say the lengthy process of eminent domain and the requirement to pay the owner fair market value for the building make it an unlikely mechanism for an instance like this.

But in public health emergencies, local, state and federal governments do have broad authority to commandeer private property, such as hotels, convention centers, university dormitories or even defunct hospitals for disaster response. Williams, whose research has focused on preserving hospital infrastructure during a pandemic, said that so far in the United States, that hasn’t had to happen ― at least not in the traditional sense.

In Pennsylvania, the governor’s emergency declaration gives him the authority to “commandeer or utilize any private, public or quasi-public property if necessary to cope with the disaster emergency.” A health department representative said all options remain on the table in the event that the city’s hospital bed capacity is overrun.

In the interim, the mayor made a deal with Temple University to use its basketball arena, which would have the capacity to treat 250 non-critical patients, at no cost to the city.

This story is part of a partnership that includes WHYY, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

Pandemic-Stricken Cities Have Empty Hospitals, But Reopening Them Is Difficult published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[dinafbrownil]

Pandemic-Stricken Cities Have Empty Hospitals, But Reopening Them Is Difficult

As city leaders across the country scramble to find space for the expected surge of COVID-19 patients, some are looking at a seemingly obvious choice: former hospital buildings, sitting empty, right downtown.

In Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Los Angeles, where hospitalizations from COVID-19 increase each day, shuttered hospitals that once served the city’s poor and uninsured sit at the center of a public health crisis that begs for exactly what they can offer: more space. But reopening closed hospitals, even in a public health emergency, is difficult.

Philadelphia, the largest city in America with no public hospital, is also the poorest. There, Hahnemann University Hospital shut its doors in September after its owner, Philadelphia Academic Health System, declared bankruptcy. While not public, the 496-bed safety-net hospital mainly treated patients on public insurance. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney began talks with the building’s owner, California-based investment banker Joel Freedman, as soon as his administration saw projections that the demand for hospital beds during the pandemic would outpace the city’s capacity. Not long after negotiations started, city officials announced the talks were going badly.

“Mr. Freedman was difficult to work with at times when he was the owner of the hospital, and he is still difficult to work with as the owner of the shuttered hospital,” said Brian Abernathy, who is Philadelphia’s managing director and heading the city’s COVID-19 response.

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Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

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In New Orleans, where the soaring COVID-19 infection rate is disproportionately high compared with its population, Charity Hospital sits vacant in the middle of town. The former public hospital never reopened after Hurricane Katrina in 2005. The Louisiana State University System, which owns the building, incorporated Charity Hospital into the city’s new medical center, but the original building remains vacant. Instead of using it during the pandemic, the New Orleans Convention Center is being converted to a “step-down” facility with the capacity to treat up to 2,000 patients after they no longer need critical care.

Elsewhere, city governments have struck deals with the owners of empty hospital buildings to lease their space. At St. Vincent Medical Center in Los Angeles, the city is paying $236 per night per bed, for a total of $2.6 million each month.

In Philadelphia, Freedman offered the Hahnemann building to the city for $27 per bed per night, plus taxes, maintenance and insurance, which the city would pay directly. All told, that added up to just over $900,000 per month.

“I think he is looking at how to turn an asset that is earning no revenue into an asset that earns some revenue, and isn’t thinking through what the impacts are on public health,” Abernathy said of Freedman. “I think he’s looking at this as a business transaction rather than providing an imminent and important aid to the city and our residents.”

This isn’t the first time Freedman has come under fire by Philadelphians for his handling of the hospital. Its closure sparked protests from city officials, health care unions, and even presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders. Critics speculated that Freedman, whose private equity firm bought the struggling hospital in 2018, didn’t try in earnest to save it and planned to flip it for its valuable downtown real estate. Notably, Hahnemann’s real estate was parsed out into a separate company, Broad Street Healthcare Properties, also owned by Freedman, and not included in Philadelphia Academic Health System’s Chapter 11 bankruptcy petition.

A representative for Freedman said the building has an interested buyer, and that is one reason Broad Street Healthcare will not let the city use the building at cost.

“We’re offering this facility because of the public benefit in a health crisis, but it comes at a cost to the property owner,” said Broad Street representative Sam Singer.

As urban hospitals have struggled in recent years, it’s become increasingly common for private equity to get involved: Big firms buy struggling medical centers with the promise of financial support and to improve their operations and business strategy. When things go right, the business succeeds, and the private equity firm sells it in a public offering or to another bidder for more than it paid.

In other cases, though, the firms load companies up with debt, take dividends out for themselves, sell off valuable real estate and charge fees and high-interest loans, leaving a company in a much weaker position than it would have been otherwise, and often on the verge of bankruptcy.

“The house never loses,” said Eileen Appelbaum, co-director at the Center for Economic and Policy Research. “The private equity firm makes money whether the company succeeds or it doesn’t.”

For instance, Steward Health Care was able to expand from its base in Massachusetts to a 36-hospital network nationwide with backing from Cerberus Capital Management. Now, said Appelbaum, the chain of community hospitals is stuck paying rent to Iasis, another private equity-owned company, on all its properties, while also struggling to stay in the black. The network announced last week it would furlough non-clinical workers across nine states because the requirement to cancel elective surgeries caused too great a financial strain.

Freedman’s private equity firm is called Paladin Healthcare, and it has previously bought and managed hospitals in California and Washington, D.C., where it helped the struggling Howard University Hospital out of the red. Paladin then sold the hospital to Adventist HealthCare last summer.

Urban hospitals like Hahnemann have struggled to stay afloat in recent years, in part due to their lack of privately insured patients. Hospitals often finance the care of uninsured patients or those on Medicaid by treating those with private insurance, which reimburses the hospitals faster and at a higher rate. At Hahnemann, two-thirds of patients were on Medicaid or Medicare. While a financially struggling public or nonprofit hospital might continue serving a poorer community, a for-profit hospital has different incentives, said Vickie Williams, a former law professor for Gonzaga University.

“If your urban hospital is purchased by a for-profit company and it doesn’t perform sufficiently, they don’t have the same necessarily mission-driven directives to keep that hospital functioning for the good of the community at a loss,” said Williams, who is now senior counsel for CommonSpirit Health in Tacoma, Washington.

Freedman has said that he tried to sell the Hahnemann property to a nonprofit and requested money from the city and state to keep it open, but neither option worked.

Following news that Philadelphia had abandoned negotiations with Freedman, calls to seize the property in order to save lives came pouring in, including from elected officials.

“Eminent Domain was created for situations like #Hahnemann,” City Council member Helen Gym wrote on Twitter. “This is a public health emergency and Philly is the largest city in the nation WITHOUT a public hospital. We cannot allow unconscionable greed to get in the way of saving lives. Eminent domain this property.” Legal experts say the lengthy process of eminent domain and the requirement to pay the owner fair market value for the building make it an unlikely mechanism for an instance like this.

But in public health emergencies, local, state and federal governments do have broad authority to commandeer private property, such as hotels, convention centers, university dormitories or even defunct hospitals for disaster response. Williams, whose research has focused on preserving hospital infrastructure during a pandemic, said that so far in the United States, that hasn’t had to happen ― at least not in the traditional sense.

In Pennsylvania, the governor’s emergency declaration gives him the authority to “commandeer or utilize any private, public or quasi-public property if necessary to cope with the disaster emergency.” A health department representative said all options remain on the table in the event that the city’s hospital bed capacity is overrun.

In the interim, the mayor made a deal with Temple University to use its basketball arena, which would have the capacity to treat 250 non-critical patients, at no cost to the city.

This story is part of a partnership that includes WHYY, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/coronavirus-pandemic-stricken-cities-abandoned-hospitals-conversion-reopening/

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Pandemic-Stricken Cities Have Empty Hospitals, But Reopening Them Is Difficult

As city leaders across the country scramble to find space for the expected surge of COVID-19 patients, some are looking at a seemingly obvious choice: former hospital buildings, sitting empty, right downtown.

In Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Los Angeles, where hospitalizations from COVID-19 increase each day, shuttered hospitals that once served the city’s poor and uninsured sit at the center of a public health crisis that begs for exactly what they can offer: more space. But reopening closed hospitals, even in a public health emergency, is difficult.

Philadelphia, the largest city in America with no public hospital, is also the poorest. There, Hahnemann University Hospital shut its doors in September after its owner, Philadelphia Academic Health System, declared bankruptcy. While not public, the 496-bed safety-net hospital mainly treated patients on public insurance. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney began talks with the building’s owner, California-based investment banker Joel Freedman, as soon as his administration saw projections that the demand for hospital beds during the pandemic would outpace the city’s capacity. Not long after negotiations started, city officials announced the talks were going badly.

“Mr. Freedman was difficult to work with at times when he was the owner of the hospital, and he is still difficult to work with as the owner of the shuttered hospital,” said Brian Abernathy, who is Philadelphia’s managing director and heading the city’s COVID-19 response.

Email Sign-Up

Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

Sign Up

In New Orleans, where the soaring COVID-19 infection rate is disproportionately high compared with its population, Charity Hospital sits vacant in the middle of town. The former public hospital never reopened after Hurricane Katrina in 2005. The Louisiana State University System, which owns the building, incorporated Charity Hospital into the city’s new medical center, but the original building remains vacant. Instead of using it during the pandemic, the New Orleans Convention Center is being converted to a “step-down” facility with the capacity to treat up to 2,000 patients after they no longer need critical care.

Elsewhere, city governments have struck deals with the owners of empty hospital buildings to lease their space. At St. Vincent Medical Center in Los Angeles, the city is paying $236 per night per bed, for a total of $2.6 million each month.

In Philadelphia, Freedman offered the Hahnemann building to the city for $27 per bed per night, plus taxes, maintenance and insurance, which the city would pay directly. All told, that added up to just over $900,000 per month.

“I think he is looking at how to turn an asset that is earning no revenue into an asset that earns some revenue, and isn’t thinking through what the impacts are on public health,” Abernathy said of Freedman. “I think he’s looking at this as a business transaction rather than providing an imminent and important aid to the city and our residents.”

This isn’t the first time Freedman has come under fire by Philadelphians for his handling of the hospital. Its closure sparked protests from city officials, health care unions, and even presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders. Critics speculated that Freedman, whose private equity firm bought the struggling hospital in 2018, didn’t try in earnest to save it and planned to flip it for its valuable downtown real estate. Notably, Hahnemann’s real estate was parsed out into a separate company, Broad Street Healthcare Properties, also owned by Freedman, and not included in Philadelphia Academic Health System’s Chapter 11 bankruptcy petition.

A representative for Freedman said the building has an interested buyer, and that is one reason Broad Street Healthcare will not let the city use the building at cost.

“We’re offering this facility because of the public benefit in a health crisis, but it comes at a cost to the property owner,” said Broad Street representative Sam Singer.

As urban hospitals have struggled in recent years, it’s become increasingly common for private equity to get involved: Big firms buy struggling medical centers with the promise of financial support and to improve their operations and business strategy. When things go right, the business succeeds, and the private equity firm sells it in a public offering or to another bidder for more than it paid.

In other cases, though, the firms load companies up with debt, take dividends out for themselves, sell off valuable real estate and charge fees and high-interest loans, leaving a company in a much weaker position than it would have been otherwise, and often on the verge of bankruptcy.

“The house never loses,” said Eileen Appelbaum, co-director at the Center for Economic and Policy Research. “The private equity firm makes money whether the company succeeds or it doesn’t.”

For instance, Steward Health Care was able to expand from its base in Massachusetts to a 36-hospital network nationwide with backing from Cerberus Capital Management. Now, said Appelbaum, the chain of community hospitals is stuck paying rent to Iasis, another private equity-owned company, on all its properties, while also struggling to stay in the black. The network announced last week it would furlough non-clinical workers across nine states because the requirement to cancel elective surgeries caused too great a financial strain.

Freedman’s private equity firm is called Paladin Healthcare, and it has previously bought and managed hospitals in California and Washington, D.C., where it helped the struggling Howard University Hospital out of the red. Paladin then sold the hospital to Adventist HealthCare last summer.

Urban hospitals like Hahnemann have struggled to stay afloat in recent years, in part due to their lack of privately insured patients. Hospitals often finance the care of uninsured patients or those on Medicaid by treating those with private insurance, which reimburses the hospitals faster and at a higher rate. At Hahnemann, two-thirds of patients were on Medicaid or Medicare. While a financially struggling public or nonprofit hospital might continue serving a poorer community, a for-profit hospital has different incentives, said Vickie Williams, a former law professor for Gonzaga University.

“If your urban hospital is purchased by a for-profit company and it doesn’t perform sufficiently, they don’t have the same necessarily mission-driven directives to keep that hospital functioning for the good of the community at a loss,” said Williams, who is now senior counsel for CommonSpirit Health in Tacoma, Washington.

Freedman has said that he tried to sell the Hahnemann property to a nonprofit and requested money from the city and state to keep it open, but neither option worked.

Following news that Philadelphia had abandoned negotiations with Freedman, calls to seize the property in order to save lives came pouring in, including from elected officials.

“Eminent Domain was created for situations like #Hahnemann,” City Council member Helen Gym wrote on Twitter. “This is a public health emergency and Philly is the largest city in the nation WITHOUT a public hospital. We cannot allow unconscionable greed to get in the way of saving lives. Eminent domain this property.” Legal experts say the lengthy process of eminent domain and the requirement to pay the owner fair market value for the building make it an unlikely mechanism for an instance like this.

But in public health emergencies, local, state and federal governments do have broad authority to commandeer private property, such as hotels, convention centers, university dormitories or even defunct hospitals for disaster response. Williams, whose research has focused on preserving hospital infrastructure during a pandemic, said that so far in the United States, that hasn’t had to happen ― at least not in the traditional sense.

In Pennsylvania, the governor’s emergency declaration gives him the authority to “commandeer or utilize any private, public or quasi-public property if necessary to cope with the disaster emergency.” A health department representative said all options remain on the table in the event that the city’s hospital bed capacity is overrun.

In the interim, the mayor made a deal with Temple University to use its basketball arena, which would have the capacity to treat 250 non-critical patients, at no cost to the city.

This story is part of a partnership that includes WHYY, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

Pandemic-Stricken Cities Have Empty Hospitals, But Reopening Them Is Difficult published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/